Quiet Moments

 The other night, my police officer husband came home from work.  He shared with me some recent training they had received as police officers.  They talked about the importance of having time, after work, to relax and be "off duty."  They talked about the increase in depression, suicides and other challenges among officers.  Those doing the training, encouraged the officers to take time after work, to do nothing.  To enjoy being "off duty."  To not only let their bodies rest, but their minds enjoy a slower pace of relaxation, that comes, when the badge is taken off, even if just for a moment.  With a big family, games, programs, events and obligations, our "off duty" can be crazy, and sometimes, it seems, we are in the middle of a Hold-Up of sorts.  As a single mom, I was constantly "on duty".  Now, as a mother and step-mother, I seem to always be at least, "on call," for something or someone.  So, each evening after work, he has a Quiet Moment.  Sometimes I would just go in and quietly lay by him, and soon, I would begin listing off the goings on of the day, so fast that I might have needed a citation to slow things down.  A while ago, I made my way next to him, during his Quiet Moment.  Within in seconds, I was rambling again, and rather than reach for his radar gun for speed control, he patted me tenderly and said, "Shhh.....take a little rest, ok?"  That "Shhh" gave me permission to slow down, and in a Quiet Moment, take a 30 minute power nap.  I woke up rejuvenated!  I don't think I had slept that well in years. After that nap, I realized, that as mothers, we are truly officers constantly on call, attempting to control the peace of small and large quarrels.  We are solving mysteries within the home, writing citations for back-talking and disrespect, or for speeding out the door without permission or proper identification of a date.  We are performing search and rescues on toddlers who have climbed too far up the slide in the ball pit, and teenagers who have been out too far past curfew.  And, each time we attempt to park our minds and write a report, another call comes in and we are immediately dispatched on a projectile throw-up call, delivering a forgotten lunch or paper, or better yet, a "Missing Mommy" crisis. 

Among Mothers on duty, comparison of one's strengths to another's weakness is at an all time high, while self-esteem is at an all time low.  And, the number of spiritual and emotional suicides among mothers is almost pandemic in number.  Mothers are facing challenges unique to our day, clinging to our higher power for strength and guidance.  With this post, may I declare, "Mothers, it's ok to take off your badge, and take a Quiet Moment for yourself!!!"  It's ok to Shhh.....yourself, and take a little rest!  I have realized that blending families means more than just getting along.  It means blending one another's schedules, likes and dislikes,  habits and  quarks, strengths and weaknesses.  It means compromise, cooperate, and capitalize!  Compromise with your favorite date-night activity and his.  Cooperate and be a new team, empowered with the past and ready to conquer the future, together.  And, capitalize, on those unexpected Quiet Moments, when everyone is fed, clean and entertained, to sneak another Quiet Moment or two....together!  So, I decided, if you can't beat em', join em', and I started taking a Quiet Moment for myself, each evening. Sometimes we chat a bit, other times we sleep.  Then, there are those moments when no words are spoken, but volumes communicated and understood!  I have also realized that when I slow down a bit, the noise from the day quiets a bit too.  And, in the quiet, He speaks to me.  In those Quiet Moments He inspires me with additional strength and courage for my next "shift".  He enlightens me with understanding to solve those mysteries, to search and even rescue a lost child or friend.

 In those Quiet Moments He calms me.  As I take time to slow down, in those Quiet Moments, He miraculously puts my worries and concerns into perspective. And, alarm and concern become patience and understanding.  And finally, in those Quiet Moments, I am reminded that our children are His, and no one knows them better than He.  So, don't be afraid to take off your badge and enjoy a Quiet Moment!  With the internet and a world that never sleeps, may we remember, the importance of Quiet Moments!  Quiet Moments to pray, ponder and meditate.  Quiet Moments to be inspired and enlightened.  Quiet Moments to share.  Quiet Moments to even, Shhh....and take a little rest.

Take off your badge.  Take a Quiet Moment.  We deserve it!! Quiet Moments! 

Scars of Life

I recently finished reading the book entitled Heaven is Here, by Stephanie Nielson.

She and her husband were both, seriously injured in an airplane crash in Arizona.  At the time of the accident, they had 4 young children.  In the book, Stephanie shares her personal journey, through this horrific challenge.  She is real.  She tells of the joys and the pain of overcoming, doing hard things, and smiling when she felt like crying.  Persevering when she wanted to give up.  She describes the depression and the incredible power of will involved in waking up everyday, only to realize that she was still scarred, and still hurting. Her story motivated me to smile more, give thanks often, and be grateful for the little things.  After reading her book, I realized that the main difference between Stephanie and the rest of us, is that her scars are on the outside and ours are on the inside.  Hers are visible to the onlooker, and her very presence provokes compassion, empathy, curiosity and perhaps a stare.  However, those who look at me and you, have no idea of how broken we have been, and the incredible pain we have suffered.  I too, was on a ride with my husband, a ride called, "life", when all came to a crashing halt, and our "normal and security" exploded into divorce and potential devastation.   And, when I woke up from the shock and pain of abandonment, I knew that I would never be the same.  Stephanie's story reminded me that I cannot expect to make it through this life without scars.  And, such scars simply indicate that my past was real.  I really was hurt.  And, I really can rise above it---- and soar even higher than before--- scars and all, better not bitter!!!

 Every time Stephanie looks in the mirror, or someone gives her a second glance, she is reminded of her past.  For me, it is Christmas day, when kids must leave our home, and visit their dad, leaving a scar on my heart.  It is the holidays, every other year and every other weekend, that I am reminded of the scars of divorce and betrayal, of broken trust and broken hearts, of weakness and vulnerability. Perhaps, it is the scars we can't see that are the hardest to heal.  Scars of death of a spouse or child, scars of addiction, scars of loneliness and emptiness, scars of depression and inadequacy, ultimately, scars of Family Change ---- these are deep and take time, and must heal from the inside out.  Reading Stephanie's story reminded me that though our scars may tell where we have been, they do not need to dictate our future.  I may be scarred, but I refuse to sink!!!  Stephanie's story caused me to think and ponder my own life, my own experiences, my own pains and my own scars.  In doing so, I realized the importance of He who was wounded in my behalf, and the powerful role of hope and purpose my Savior plays in my life.

He bears the scars, so that mine won't continually hurt, so that I can regain my strength and move forward, becoming better than I ever was before.  Better because my love for Him is deeper with each scar.  Better because of those scarring experiences that leave you feeling alone and abandoned in your very own Gethsemane.   Stephanie's story touched my heart and the hearts of many.  May we all realize the importance of not trying to hide our scars---- for they may be someone else's lighthouse in a storm!  Never be ashamed of your scars of life---- they only mean that you are stronger than that which is trying to take you down!  So, pain or no pain.  Trial or no trial.  Scars or no scars.  Get up!  Brush yourself off!  And, keep climbing!!  Scars!

Discovery

My Discoveries!  My Confessions!  Here's me!!!  What do you do when you realize you are not happy in Happy Valley?  I remember the day, I woke up and realized I did not want to be a mother that day.  I was SOOOO incredibly tired and exhausted. I had quit my full-time job to stay home with my first child.  This particular morning, I woke up and thought, "I gave up my job that I loved, my income, my social life, and my emotional security, so I thought, to stay home and watch my newborn baby sleep???!!!"  It had been about a month, my husband traveled for work, so there I was, alone, with these thoughts.  Culturally, I knew I could not tell anyone how I felt. Something must be wrong with me---- No one hates being a mother!  Then, a few days later, those thoughts and feelings were long gone.  They would resurface from time to time, but I never shared them. A quiet discovery, I just kept to myself---- there are days that are hard.  Days that I just don't feel like I am doing any good.  There are days that I just don't like being a mom.

 Then, there was the time that I struggled with infertility.  For three years I wanted another baby.  I felt deep down inside there was another baby for me, but it just wasn't happening.  I kept smiling, and shared my struggle with a good friend.  As the months turned into years, I felt my prayers were no longer heard.  If family was SO important, and God hears and answers prayers, why did He not answer mine?  Why was I not pregnant?  So, over time, I just quit praying.  For the next while, I would mechanically pray with my family and go through the motions.  Then, for the next while, I would kneel and not say a word.  But, in my mind I would think, "I know I should pray.  They say when you don't feel like praying is the time you really need to pray.  But, my prayers are not heard, so why bother?!?!?!"  Then, shortly after that, I did not even take the time to kneel.  I felt abandoned by the God I had been raised to believe in.  I felt that I had always done the "right thing", and now, I was asking for this simple and righteous blessing.  But, still, my prayers were unheard and unanswered.  It was some time before I could pray again.  I could not share my this distance I had created between me and Diety, with anyone.  How do you tell those who seem to know everything about God, that He has forgotten you and that you just can't pray?  Overtime, I began to miss the feelings of the spirit.  I began to realize something was missing.  I began to throw myself into everything I was doing and focus on the three children I already had.  I realized there were some things I had control over and  other things were completely out of my hands.  I realized I wasting my todays, feeling sorry for myself about the past, and in essence, giving away my tomorrows.  After some time, and hitting rock bottom, I began to pray again.  Another quiet discovery I had kept to myself ----- I doubted in that higher power that I knew governed my universe. I doubted He whom I knew loved me and knew me like no one else.  I doubted in His timetable.  I doubted my own righteousness.  I doubted His ability to love me when I had built a wall in between us.  I doubted my testimony and experiences.  Doubts and discoveries that I could have shared, but felt I was odd and strangely alone in Happy Valley, not being happy.  A discovery that could have never been farther from the truth.

Then, the day I discovered my husband of 20 years had been unfaithful, and struggled with same-sex attraction.  How do you share THAT with those in Happy Valley?  "Hi, I know it's hard to can all those tomatoes, but what's really hard is when you're husband thinks he is playing for the other team?"  It just doesn't culturally work, or so I thought!  The night, after doing all that seemed right and good, you find yourself alone in your bed, with the burdens of the world and the destinies of four children weighing heavily on your heart and mind, and you realize that you are a single mother, and it's all up to you. I remember sitting in church meetings and feeling like everyone else had the perfect marriage, family and kids, while mine was anything but perfect, and crumbling by the minute.  And, as a matter of fact, mine was so imperfect that I could not even articulate the words.  Another quiet discovery, my eternal family falling apart at the seams.

I have since discovered that behind every door is a challenge or two.  That behind every smile is a tear.  That behind every perfect lawn is an imperfect mower.  And, behind every woman, is a myriad of quiet discoveries that are shared by many yet rarely spoken.

My Discoveries--  I love Mexican food and mangoes.  I do not like hamburger casserole (sorry Mom) or strange meat.  I love to clean and organize.  I do not like clutter.  I love music that inspires.  I love watching my children sleep, however, I am short on patience at bedtime.   I loved being a stay-at-home mom, I do not like having to divide my time between my kids and work and school.  I love newborns and babies.  I tolerate toddlers.  I love teenagers but, do not always like their interpretation or expression of agency.  I actually love peanut butter and honey, but am not a fan of sandwiches.  I used to love shopping, but now, I do all I can to avoid it.  These discoveries are mine because of who I am and where my life has taken me.  I used to love to shop.  I loved a good bargain and the hunt for that bargain was just as much fun as the bargain itself.  Then, as Families Change,  I found myself strapped for time, energy and money.  So, shopping is no longer fun for me, but a chore.  It's hard to go and see the many things your kids need and want and not have the finances to fulfill such needs.  It is difficult to go shop when you should be home doing homework or cleaning, because you are a single parent and you are on your own.  It's hard to go with friends and feel like you must have done something terribly wrong, as your challenges eat you like a cancer and their families seem to be growing and hitting the milestones you longed and worked for.  And, shopping means going out and seeing all the perfect woman, with perfect families, perfect hair, outfits and bodies, perfect children, all the while knowing, everything you knew, loved and had worked for is quietly crumbling around you.  So, shopping is no longer fun.

One of my greatest discoveries has been the realization that most have trials and challenges.  Though they may not be exactly like mine, they are not living in the blissful perfection  I once thought.  And, as I have pondered my feelings, experiences and discoveries, I have found that in sharing my struggles, my bucket is filled with more faith and courage from others, to continue another day, to write another post, to parent one more time and to try again.

So, what do you do when you are not happy in Happy Valley?  Share your anger.  Share your frustrations.  Share your feelings of loss and abandonment.  Realize that maybe someone else likes Mexican food and mangoes too.  Maybe someone else is struggling being a mother, a wife or even praying, and your experience will give them courage.  Perhaps, sharing of yourself will help them realize they are normal when the culture seems to shout otherwise.  You might be just the answer that someone else is waiting for, even praying for.  An answer of courage to help them dust themselves off and keep running, keeping their eye on the finish line, because of you.   Challenges are just those scary things you see when you take your eyes off your goal!!  I have learned that when I felt my prayers were unheard and felt alone---- it was then that I was truly being carried.  There was indeed, a plan, and He was in charge.  That very God I knew and believed in knew the plan, and was there, waiting to listen and comfort.  He does hear.  He does answer.  He will listen.  There is never a busy signal and you are never sent to voicemail.  And, when you feel like you are, leave a message, pour out your heart, your tears, your feelings of inadequacy and abandonment and your bucket will be filled.  Then, go fill another!!  We will discover that as we get to know ourselves, we may even lift another, all because of our darkest hours, and most difficult challenges.  We will discover that we can create common bonds through experience, good and bad, bitter and sweet.  We discover for ourselves.  We discover for others.  We discover for our families.  We discover that we may be His hands, when someone else feels alone, empty and unheard.  But, those discoveries only help, when they are shared.  What do you do when you discover that for today, you are not happy in Happy Valley?  Realize that you are not alone.  That you are normal.  And, most of all, that it's OK!   Open your mouths and your heart to He who knows, hears and answers all.  And, open up to others.  Discovery is not just seeing new tomorrows, but seeing today with new eyes.  I love Mexican food.  Being a mom is hard!  Being patient is even harder.  I have learned to love to discover!  He hears.  Discovery!

Windmills--- I never thought I would be divorced!

I never wanted to be divorced.  I actually never thought the word, "divorce" and and my name would be used in the same sentence.  However, I am divorced.  I am a survivor of the blows and battlefield of rejection.  I have lived through the legal torment, emotional and spiritual loneliness and financial devastation of single parenthood.  I did not deserve it.  However, it did not take me long to realize that I can be changed by what happens to me, for the good, and I WILL NOT BE REDUCED BY IT!!

Windmills are fascinating!  They are eternally at work to accomplish there end result---- energy!  They shift with the changes of the wind, and find themselves in around 10 different positions and angles each day.  They are not shifting from the wind to protect themselves, but right smack into it, in order to capitalize on the strength of the wind and the increased energy that confrontation invites, as a result.  There are windmills in Spanish Fork Canyon, that we would pass by,  from Northern California to Carbon County, each time we would drive to visit my relatives.  These windmills marked the final leg of our journey.  These windmills represented the end of a race.  The beginning of vacation.  The end of a long trip.  These windmills represented change from the past into the future.

I also remember a hillside of windmills, we would pass, each time we traveled from Pollock Pines to the Oakland temple.   As a youth, we would make this annual 3 hour trip each way, on a bus, as a group of youth.  However, one trip which I remember vividly, was in October of 1987.  I was by myself, 21 years old, and I was off  to attend the sealing of some good friends, just prior to my leaving on my mission.  Jessica McClure, a young toddler had fallen into a well, in Midland, Texas.  I had never been a new junkie before, and I have never been one since, but that story captivated me, as it did many, young and old.  Jessica, 18 months old, had fallen into a well, only 8 inches wide, and she was about 22 feet deep.  She remained in the well, 58 hours, until she was rescued.  I remember listening to the radio the entire trip.  As I listened, I watched for the windmills, which would not only indicate I was on the right track, but that I was getting closer and closer to the temple, the final destination of my journey. After a couple of hours of driving, finally my windmills were in view.  As they came into focus, I thought of little Jessica and her family and how their lives would never be the same-----and that this experience will make them or break them.  Later that night, Jessica was rescued.  She endured over 15 operations because of the trauma.  But, she made it!  Much like the windmills, the rescuers had to continue making changes to their rescue plans, in order to create the energy and engineering to get closer and closer to Jessica.  I remember vividly, hearing Jessica's voice, on the radio,singing a song from Winnie the Pooh.  Her little voice motivated her family and the rescuers.  Then, there were long periods of time when she was silent.  The quiet periods created and understandable panic for all involved.  Yet finally, after many changes and ideas, man power and brain power, Jessica and her rescuer were raised from the well.

Often times, when we face challenges, we experience those "quiet times" and panic sets in.  "Will I recover from this?"  "Will we ever be the same?"  Just like Jessica's rescuers had to be flexible, open-minded and willing to change in order to finally reach the toddler, we too, must be open to a variety of solutions to our challenges, and not be afraid to face the winds of change, and gain spiritual energy as we survive such challenges. I have learned that when you focus only on results, things will never change.  But, if you focus on change, and not be afraid of it, but face it, you will see divine results.

I remember about 8 months into my journey of single parenthood.  It was summer time, and my days were spent searching and gathering paperwork for divorce.  As I would be going through files or answering emails, it almost seemed like an out-of-body experience------ this really can't be me!!!  But, it was, and so I gathered.  One day, I realized my son's birthday was quickly approaching.   Most of our conversations were about "party planning", gifts he was hoping to receive, friends he was hoping to invite, what kind of pizza he wanted to have and what to do at the party.  As his special day got closer and closer, I would go to bed at night crushed with my own reality, that would soon become his.  I would find myself, conversing with my Heavenly Father.  "What shall I do?"  "How will I tell him?"  "Help me find an inexpensive way to make his day special?"  The next day, he awoke and in a very convincing voice, he said, "Mom, don't worry, I know exactly what to do for my birthday!"  I sighed with relief, as I thought for sure, he had been calmed and inspired by a higher power, to have little or no expectations.  And now, he would tell me to just not worry about it.  I gave him my undivided attention and got the biggest hug all ready to give.  With his hands on his hips, he told me to relax, about the party.  He followed these yoga-like instructions with, "All we need to do is rent a huge inflatable trampoline for the backyard.  I've always wanted one.  You know, like the carnivals and fairs have.  We will invite all 20 of my friends.  Then, we will have pizza and brownies!!!  OK, Mom?"   I sat, numb from the words he spoke.  I felt as though I had just fallen into a 22 foot well of disappointment and failure!!!  It was dark, cold and lonely.  How would I ever provide such a party?  How would I feed 20 friends when I could hardly feed my own children?   I found myself, during this period, distancing myself from that higher power, which had always been such a source of strength and energy.  I began to doubt Him, to doubt His power and influence in my life, and to doubt myself.  I felt abandoned in my well of grief, with little or no hope of a rescue.   I recognize now, that this was definitely the adversary trying to get me down.  I remained in that dark well of depression for a few days.  I could no longer sing.  It was all I could do wake up each morning, and provide the bare minimum for my children.  I could feel myself, slowly, slipping farther and farther down the well of depression.  Now, I not only felt abandoned by my husband, but also by my Heavenly Father.  Why didn't He tell my son there would be no party so that I did not have to?  Wasn't it enough that I had to tell him his father left?  Now, I had to tell him there would be no 9th birthday celebration.  I had a shower to attend in Spanish Fork, that afternoon.  So, I mustered up the energy to get dressed and headed to my car.  I entered the freeway and began to drive.  I did not realize that I had past the off ramp I needed, until I saw on my right, that familiar field of windmills.

 As I saw the windmills, I immediately remembered my drive to Oakland, that October in 1987.  I remembered little Jessica.  I remembered her rescuers and all the changes they had to make to get to her.  Then, I remembered vividly my thoughts that afternoon, almost 25 years prior, and those words spoke to my heart and burned clear through to my soul-------- my life will never be the same, and this divorce will either make me or break me!!!  It hit me like ton of bricks.  Life gets better with change, not just by chance.  It was completely up to me to face the winds of change, and use the energy produced to grow closer to my kids and to grow closer to that same Heavenly Father I had distanced myself from, while I was in the well of depression, and could not see my way out!!  I finally found the shower, and smiled and laughed (which I had not done for a while).  On the drive home, I pleaded with Heavenly Father to help me figure out a way to provide a small birthday for my little prince.  The next day, I received a phone call from friend who was recovering from surgery.  She asked me if I might be able to help her clean her house and her windows, in preparation for her mother's arrival.  The next morning, I loaded up a bucket of some cleaning supplies and went to work.  I cleaned the windows inside. I cleaned them on the outside.  I climbed the ladder and scrubbed the screens until they shined.  It felt so good to work rather than sit at home feeling sorry for myself about the things I could not change.  The following day, there was a note stuck in my door.  It was from my friend.  And, in it,  a VERY generous check, thanking me for helping her.  I so wanted to give the check back to her and chalk it up to service.  But, I knew from whom that check really came.  And, I knew exactly what that check was for.  And, it was exactly enough to buy pizza for 20 friends, 4 brownie mixes and some candles, a small birthday gift, and you guessed it, through nothing short of a miracle, a rented inflatable trampoline, for 2 hours, "just like they have at the carnivals." The smile on his face was priceless! But, the testimony I received of the power of change, is one I will be forever grateful for.  That testimony has rescued me from the well of depression and failure, multiple times, over the past few years.  And, I'm sure it will continue to rescue me, as Families Change, and life changes.  As the winds of change blow, we can build walls or windmills. While the walls will stop us in our tracks, and cause us to sink farther and farther down the well of failure and depression.  The windmill of faith and courage creates energy that can potentially catapult us to even higher ground of accomplishment and spiritual and emotional wealth.  Hope is that little voice that whispers, "Maybe", when the voices in your head are shouting, "No!"  I have learned to never let my dreams be replaced by regret---- by wasting time in the well, while the rescuer is there, reaching out, ready to raise me up.  What would change in my life, if "FAIL" was just simply not an option?  I never thought I would be divorced.  But, I am.  And, by the same token, I never thought I would remarry...... but I did.  I thought my life would never be the same.  And, it's not.........it's BETTER.  As dark as the lows can get, the highs can get even brighter, because of Him----He who rescues when we are dark, and slipping, and don't not how to get ourselves out.  He can help us face those winds of change, an catapult us to higher ground.  He lifted and rescued me.  He will you.  Windmills!!

 

What to do with Desperate?

Confessions from the dark!  I was recently asked about my biggest struggles with divorce and single parenthood.  My response was without a doubt, trying to figure out ,"what to do with Desperate?" Those were desperate times!  Those were desperate years. I felt desperate for so many things, and at times, those feelings of desperation were just about more than I could bear.  My feelings of desperation were distracting, keeping me from concentrating my energy on the things that mattered most.  Other times, they were overpowering.  And, there were other times when my feelings of desperation became the focus of my day, but not by choice. I tried to ignore "desperate", but she would just keep knocking.  I tried to hide "desperate", but no matter how hard I tried, her evidence in my life was still apparent.  Finally, I decided to feed "desperate", but what do you feed "desperate"?  This is my journey--------- and some of my darkest moments:

Some days I would find myself desperate for normalcy!  One particular time was when my 8 year old was very ill.  He was running a high fever, had no energy and no appetite.  For an 8 year old little boy, that's sick!  I knew he was not feeling good, but I was trying to keep up with my new schedule of work, school, and single parenthood.  It's important to note, that the words "single parent" mean much more that parenting alone.  They mean chauffeur, nurse, maid, cook, tutor, cheer leader, referee, handy-man, chief scheduling officer, secretary, counselor and parent--- ALL ALONE!   So, this one particular day, with my youngest little guy getting sicker and sicker, I called in sick from work, with the incredible anguish that my paycheck would be a day short.  Then, I called my dad to come hang out with my son while I attended class, which I could not miss, and still receive my certification.  On my way home from class, I called the pediatrician.  They said to bring him right in.  So, I ran home, loaded up my son, a blanket, some water, my backpack of homework (just in case we had to wait a while and my little guy fell asleep).  The doctor was concerned about an underlying infection, mono or even a leukemic situation.  He sent us over to the hospital for lab work.  By now, it is about 6:30pm.  I am exhausted.  He is sick. I am concerned.  I call home to give my older kids instructions for dinner and it hits me like a wave from the ocean---- I am "desperate" for normalcy!!  Desperate to just worry about the kids and the home.  Desperate to have a husband home covering dinner and homework while I tend to our sick son.  Desperate to not have my own homework and small paychecks looming overhead and thought.  Desperate for things as they were.  Desperate for normalcy!  I couldn't shake it.  So, I decided to feed it!!!  Perhaps a quick dose of normalcy would feed it enough to leave me alone for a while.  So, that's exactly what I did.   As I began to give those dinner instructions, I thought to myself, "if things were normal as I remembered them, what would I be doing in this situation?"  I would grab dinner on the way home, and just worry about kids for night!  So, I did!  I grabbed Wendy's dollar menu items for everyone, did not worry about the money, that night.  Came home, and we all ate at the bar, laughed and discussed our day.  Then, rather than leave the kids for homework, we all crowded on my bed and watched a movie, with our sick little guy.  That night, things felt normal again, and "desperate" was fed!

There was Father's Day!  As our first Father's Day without a father approached, I found myself desperate for family.  Of course, this was not the only time I felt desperate for family, but this particular time, I still remember.  Should we go to church or not?  Should I talk to the kids about Father's Day or not?  Or, perhaps we should take a day trip, and sort of run away from our new reality.  However, "desperate for family" just would not leave me alone.  So, once again, I decided to feed it!  I invited my parents over for Sunday dinner, to celebrate.  I talked to the kids and told them that Father's Day was coming up.  I prepared them for the talks that Sunday, that might be shared in church about fathers.  I reminded them that though our physical circumstances had changed, they still in fact, had a father.  I put together a gift for them to present to their dad.  Then, we invited him to dinner too!  Though this felt a bit awkward, the kids felt like it was the best thing to do, so I supported them and prepared the meal.   Even all the preparations for the family event, began to feed my desperation for family.  Sunday, Father's Day arrived.  The kids and I went to church and celebrated fathers.  Then, we came home and I put the final details of our Family Meal together and our guests arrived.  Though their father only stayed a little over an hour, that hour was a feast for my desperation for family.  We enjoyed one another's company.  The kids presented their gift to their dad and their grandfather.  We ate.  We laughed.  We talked.  We were family for that moment, and "desperate" was fed.

Then, there was a period of time that I felt desperate for companionship!

 I was just plain lonely!  I know it is probably difficult to imagine that a single mother of 4, and all of their friends, could possibly feel lonely, but I was lonely!  I missed those weekend date nights.  I missed knowing that something social would take place.  I missed having someone to do something with.  I missed grown-up activities.  Desperate for companionship and it seemed to get worse.  I could not figure out how to feed this one.  I was not about to go on a date.  I was not ready for that at all.  I knew I needed to feed it, but how?  Within days I received an invitation from a close girl friend, to attend a work benefit dinner.  She said she could bring a guest and she wondered if I would like to go.  My first reaction was, "No, homework, kids, nothing to wear, I would not be very good company..." then I said "Sure," and surprised myself.   We had been friends for years, and she too, found herself a single mother.  Later that week, I found something to wear and she picked me up.  It was a beautiful event.  She introduced me to her co-workers.  We ate a wonderful meal, listened to a comedian and then a speaker.  As we drove home, I thanked her for inviting me and told her how much I enjoyed just being out.  As I went to bed that night, I realized, desperate for companionship had been fed.

I have realized that we all experience feelings of desperation from time to time.  But, as Families Change, we often find ourselves desperate for things, feelings and people, that are no longer possibilities.  Rather than ignoring my desperate thoughts and feelings, I found that feeding them was the best remedy.  Those feelings are real and normal.  We long to be with someone that is no longer with us.  So, perhaps, we feed that desperation with a walk down memory lane, looking at photo albums, visiting a grave sight or a place that we loved to go together.  As we feed desperation, desperation cannot consume us.  We just need to feed it in healthy and positive ways.   If we are desperate for children---and there are definitely children out there to be loved.  In our neighborhoods, churches, schools and even families.  Maybe we are desperate for normal.  And, perhaps a night of take-out and no worries of homework or money is just the key.  Or, maybe keeping up with a family tradition, like Christmas ice skating, even though Families Change, is the perfect way to feed our desperation for family.  And, I discovered that desperation for companionship is something many of us experience, who have experienced loss, divorce or change.  And, just taking time to spend with people, when the adversary wants you to sulk in sorrow and depression, is a great way to feed such desperation.  I realized that if I did not feed my desperation it was going to consume me.  A true leader is one who gives hope to others, no matter how desperate the situation.  As a mother, I am a leader.  I had four little ones depending on me for hope, and now, I have ten kids looking to me for various types of love, encouragement, guidance and hope.  What to do with desperate?  Creatively feed it in healthy ways, then go on and lift, love and inspire hope, in all those whom we have been blessed enough to be surrounded with! Desperation can lead to inspiration, when we realize it's there, and it is OK. I desperately hope to inspire others by sharing some of my heartache.  For this reason, I share---- What to do with Desperate?

Together--Our First Christmas

Thank you to everyone for your wonderful Christmas cards and holiday wishes!  We have truly drawn from your strength and experiences, along our journey.  You have motivated us, encouraged us and inspired us, and for that, we will be eternally grateful.  This was a our first Christmas as parents of ten!  We made memories and even learned a few lessons on the way.

Lesson 1=  Christmas is not just a day on the calendar, but a feeling of togetherness.  I had thoughts of having all of the children together, young and old, our first Christmas, to enjoy the Christmas story on Christmas eve, decorate cookies and deliver to neighbors, to discover their stockings together on Christmas morning and enjoy hot cinnamon rolls (which I don't even know how to make!) while opening gifts together.  However, the reality was, three of our children spent Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with their mom.  3 more of our children spent the early afternoon on Christmas day with their dad.  Then, by 6pm, Christmas night, we were all under the same roof, minus one.

Lesson 2=  When blending families and dealing with any type of family change, Christmas is a great opportunity to create bonds with one another.  Early in the month of December, the kids had drawn names amongst themselves.  They would purchase a nice gift for one sibling.  On Christmas night, with everyone finally together, each child held the gift they purchased.  One by one, they were to tell the person they had purchased the gift for, three things they loved and admired about that person.  A great thing began to happen.  By the third  person, everyone would chime in and say what they loved about them as well.  It took about 30 minutes to get through everyone.  And, by the end of the night, there was an amazing spirit of love and togetherness that was felt by all.  This type of activity is crucial when blending families, as the relationships are new.  During times of family change, like divorce or death, family dynamics are different, and often times, spirits are down.  So, a bonding activity is a great way to invite the spirit, and create new relationships with the new family dynamics.

Lesson 3=  Christmas is a time of great tradition.  While part of me wanted to just create all new traditions and forget the old, I spent the month of December asking the kids what their favorite Christmas was a why, what types of traditions they had and what they liked about them.  Whether death or divorce, the holidays can be a time of great sorrow, if we allow it, as our focus is all on Christmas Pasts and how things will never be the same.  However, by talking about those Christmases of yesteryear, all of the kids realized that I wanted to know, was interested in their traditions, and allowed them a positive venue for discussing such experiences when they may have felt like they could not talk to me about them.  I was then able to incorporate some and create some others, and celebrate the first Hirchak-Weidmer Christmas, together!

Lesson 4=  Christmas is a time of great anticipation for kids.  So, it was not surprising that out of our 10, their were one or two who were tired, grumpy and even vocalized their disappointment in the gifts they received.  Rather than take offense and feel like a failure, I just focused on the odds of 9 out of 10 and felt like we had done a pretty good job.  Their grumpiness also created a great teaching moment and opportunity to remind them that Christmas is not just about the presents, by His presence.

Lesson 5=  When things don't turn out just like you planned, make a new plan with what you have rather than focus on what you have-not!  It would have been easy to throw my hands up in the air and give up, when I realized that kids would be heading in many different directions on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, when I pictured us all together.  However, I got out an index card, and wrote down who was going where and when.  This allowed me to pinpoint the time that everyone could get together, and we made our plan, sent out the invites, shopped for special food and created a great family event, during the time that we could all get together.

I realized that each Christmas and holiday will be a little different than the one before, and a lot different than the many I remember.  However, each holiday has the potential to create loving bonds and be a vehicle for transforming us as families change, together!!

2013 Hirchak-Weidmer Christmas letter

Christmas 2013

Here’s the story, of a lovely lady, who was bringing up 4 very lovely kids.

Some of them have glasses on, like their mother, E’en the youngest one in specs.

Here’s the story, of man named Brian, who was busy in the Public Safety realm.

He had 6 kids, 3 big, 3 little, and lots of food storage.

Deb and Brian, grew up together, same county, church and high school did they go.

School, sports, homework and seminary; great friends so long ago.

Then one spring day, they found each other, and they knew that it was much more than a hunch.

That this group of 12 must somehow form a family; August 8^th began the Hirchak-Weidmer Bunch!

We took a trip in June, all of us together, as sort of a trial run, and camped at Lake Tahoe for a week.  We must have all passed the test!! Then, we spent the rest of the summer moving Brian and his 3 youngest kids to Orem.  And, on August 8^th, Brian and I were married!  It was a beautiful event, one we will never forget!! 

Half of the garage has been converted into a woodshop.  Brian immediately designed and built a shed, in the backyard, for outdoor and camping equipment.  What was once Garrett’s room is now the Boy’s Bunk House.  And though Debbie enjoyed having a laundry room, after Ashlyn got married, that quickly became Karmen’s room.  And so, after the months of dating, moving and projects that go along with that, we have all been about blending our two little families into one big one------ and it has been so much fun!!

Brian is a Canyon Police Officer for Salt Lake County.  It is a dream job, as he gets to spend his days in the mountains he loves, and get paid for it.  He will often send pictures of the scenery he adores, so that we can all be jealous of the beauty he is surrounded in.  Brian works with the 11 year old Scouts, which is perfect for him.  Garrett is currently in his group and Sean will join them in February.  Brian has been fabulous role model for ALL of the kids, and I will be forever grateful for his love, laughter and guidance in our home. 

We have been blessed with two beautiful blonde daughters, in their early 20’s.  Brenan is very creative and loves to read, write and draw.  Ashlyn is married to Jordan, and they are awaiting the arrival of our first grandchild, a grand-daughter, the beginning of April--- and the whole family can’t wait!!  Both Ashlyn and Jordan are full-time students and great examples of hard work.

Tyler and Adam are 18 years old.  Tyler is a welder and works full-time.  He loves the outdoors, especially climbing, hiking, camping and sailing, just like his dad.  Tyler worked hard this summer to recertify, and proved to us all the importance of hard work.  Adam works full-time at the Mustang Grill.  He has been able to experience many of the different jobs that a restaurant has to offer.  He also works part-time at Hang Time, a popular trampoline facility.  Needless to say, Adam is quite popular among all of the younger kids, and he is kind enough to take them jumping and for a soda, as often as his time allows.  Both Tyler and Adam are great role models and the best big brothers ever.

Cassidee and Amber are both sporty, spunky and super fun!!  They both play basketball in high school.  Amber also plays softball while  Cassidee also plays volleyball and runs track.  They both act like they have known each other forever, and have a blast when we can get them together.  They both fill our home with laughter and love, and are incredibly helpful and fun to be around.  They are always smiling and usually Karmen, is not far behind.

Braden is 13 years old and in the 8^th grade.  He loves the outdoors, video games and going to Hang Time with Adam.  He loves family events and ALWAYS wants to sit at the grown up table.  He is a leader and very smart.  He has a huge heart, loves to read and had a blast this summer, at his first go at Scout camp. 

Garrett is 11 years old and in the 6^th grade.  Garrett has loved no longer being the youngest!  Garrett always wanted to be a big brother!  Garrett loves music, loves to sing and play any and all sports.  He is often found in the neighborhood surrounded with friends and brothers, organizing a football or baseball game at the park or the church.  Garrett is a great brother, super son, and fabulous friend. 

Sean is 10 years old and in the 5^th grade.  Sean is brilliant!  Sean loves to have family meals all around the table and while he has a captive audience, he will tell us about his adventures of the day.  Sean enjoys playing on the computer and video games.  He also loves late night trips to the grocery store with Amber, and having his back tickled. 

Karmen is 9 years old, in the 4^th grade and LOVES being the “baby” of the family.  She likes to remind everyone, that someday, she will be the only kid home, and she will get to eat whatever she wants, have the room of her choice, and be in charge of what we watch on TV.  Karmen loves Barbies, arts and crafts and helping Debbie with cooking and chores.  Karmen loves to pray and to leave us all notes of love and inspiration, in special places around the house. 

I am still a full-time student at UVU studying Public and Community Health.  I have 2 more semesters left!!  I still work part-time at the elementary school where Garrett attends.  I love to spend time with the kids, drive them to and from where they need to go, take them on errands, teach them all about Saturday chores, dance with them in the kitchen, and laugh a lot!!  We go through 100 Ziplock baggies, 40 granola bars and 6-8 gallons of milk each week.  I do about 20-25 loads of laundry each week, and do lots of night time “tuck-ins” and “tickles!”  Most of all, I have realized that a Mother heart has no limit!!!  And, that being a wife is just like riding a bike----- it’s something you never forget! 

We have all learned that there are many different ways of doings things.  And, “our way” and “their way”, really don’t matter.  What does matter is what will work best for our family NOW!  And, we have learned not to get upset if someone does not react in the way that we would react, or in a way that we think they should.  We just take each day, each person and each issue, and figure it out together, as if it is something that has happened for the very first time.  Brian and I have learned that after being single parents, we can do anything together!!  And, that step-parenting is really about learning when to STEP-IT-UP and help each other.  When to STEP OUT and allow time for one-on-one time with each of the kids, which is crucial in a large family.  And, we have learned that being a step-parent is really about helping the children use us to STEP UP and STAND a LITTLE TALLER.  It is just another opportunity to make a difference, and change generations for the better, one child at a time!

We know that, just as Heavenly Father blessed Mary and Joseph, that first Christmas night, He will bless us as we look to Him.   We know that He has brought our families together for a reason.  And, that within the walls of our home, something truly holy is taking place.  We are grateful for His love and guidance.  And, we know that He has and will continue to place shepherds and wise men and women in our lives, as we seek Him.  Heroes are those who are willing to give up something now, for something better later, in order to lift, love and rescue.  We are thankful for the many heroes in our lives, like each of you.  We will be forever grateful for your love and support.  Merry Christmas!!

Love, Brian and Debbie and kids www.familieschange.blogspot.com