The Prodigal

I have debated whether or not to write this post. As FamiliesChange.blogspot.com was created by a single mom struggling with her new reality, it seems appropriate to share all the changes that have come my way.  I have hesitantly allowed you into my broken heart and divorce.  I have shared the emptiness and joy as a daughter leaves the home to marry.  I have shared my inspired romance and marriage to one of my very best friends growing up, becoming a step-mother and a grandmother.  From this list, I have realized that Families Change with the days, and some changes are delightful, some growing, some heartbreaking and some just downright hard and unfair.  So now, I share an experience that seems to encompass all of the above and more.  And, I share it, perhaps with the hopes that someone else has felt like I do and will be brave enough to share with me.  

No matter how hard we try, our kids don't always make the choices we would make, choose the career that we think they were made for.  We could raise them in a musical home and they could crave the quiet.  We surround them with certain core values, our core values, and they may choose to create their own.  We may try to fill them with motivation and aspirations and they may be content with "now" and unsure of the "later"----and be just fine with it.  We may have pictured them a certain way, all their life-----and they may have a completely different album of their future.   All of which are fine and good, but some are difficult to swallow ---- like a large pill for the best outcome, yet it hurts the whole way down.  So, as my son has left and moved out into college housing, I have been flooded with a myriad of emotions, thoughts, memories and even regrets.  Did I raise him the best I knew how?  Did I give him my all when he needed it?  Did I try to relate and enjoy, understand and feel from his perspective?  Did I analyze his actions according to how he would live or how I would have him live?  Did I?  Could I?  Should I? And, will I? are the questions.  With this heavy on my mind, I found myself pondering the story of the prodigal son.  Of course, their are similarities.......... his "inheritance" would be a bed-in-a-bag, and a 5 x 7 of the family.  And, the new distance he created between us, less than a mile away.  However, Families Change, and it's easy to focus on the "Never Agains", rather than the "Won't It Be Fun When?"........Families Change and will continue to change, not only with the times, but because of time.  And, as they change, so do we, as parents----- learning and growing, laughing and crying, packing and unpacking....we change. 

Back to the prodigal son.  The son, takes his inheritance and  leaves, and is about "riotous living" for a time.  His money is spent, he realizes that his choices did not lead to the happiness he was seeking.  Then, in moments of reflection or perhaps desperation, he remembers whose his is, and yearns to be reunited with his father.  Then, we have the oldest son, who had been obedient to his father's will, and watches this reunion.  The prodigal son returns to open arms, not the lecture, grounding or typical response the eldest son would have thought.  It is evident that the prodigal son has never been far from his father's thoughts, as their eyes meet, they run to one another and embrace with a kiss.  Then, the father has his servants bring the prodigal a robe, some shoes and ring, and instructs them to prepare a fine to prepare a fine feast.

 I believe this parable teaches us a little bit about ourselves and a lot about our relationships.  We have all been the "father", lovingly responsible for someone else, celebrating a return, an accomplishment, or even a change of heart.  We have all been the "eldest" son, unable to celebrate the good fortune of another, when we feel like we have worked for it and deserve it even more.  And, we have all been the "prodigal"------ leaving what we know and love, to test our wings and see if we can really fly........our own way!  And, we have all been "prodigal" as realization becomes our reality, and we long to return to the Father.......from whence we KNOW we came and even belong, regardless of our weakness.

And, not mentioned in the parable, but in my mind, there must have been a mother.  A loving mother, who spent her days creating a home full of the spirit.  She must have created some meals her boys loved that no one else could make just like her, that would permeate the home each night.   Perhaps she played music that her son's did not think they enjoyed but, made it feel like home.  There must have been a mother who felt guilty as her son left the home, which guilt led to self-doubt and feelings of failure and inadequacies.  There must have been a mom who cried with the father as their son departed, and who rejoiced with him upon his return.  A mother who remembered birthdays and created traditions of all kinds, that the son remembered, perhaps missed and maybe even quietly longed for during his journey away. 

The Prodigal is so much more than a son's return after "riotous" living.  The Prodigal is more than a loving father welcoming him home with the best of the best.  The Prodigal is more than an obedient yet jealous brother.  The Prodigal is all about how selfish, immature behavior can become a canvas of learning and possibly to becoming broken and humble.  It is about living our mistakes, which we all do, then allowing humility and our own realization of whose we truly are, becoming a catalyst in our lives, producing change.  The Prodigal does not mean that we all need to live and experience every thing for ourselves, in order to know right from wrong.  But, what it does mean is that if we do, if pleasure-seeking becomes more powerful than covenant-keeping, there is a way back, rejoicing to be had and open arms awaiting our return.  The Prodigal is about each of us and our imperfections, and allowing those imperfections to motivate us even catapult us home.  The Prodigal!

7.3 miles

Saturday, I set out to run from the top of the Provo temple, down to my house--- a little over 7 miles.   As we drove to the top of the temple, my designated starting place, my daughter noticed I was shutting down my phone and putting it in the glove box.  She told me over and over again to keep my phone with me, just in the event of an emergency.  With each plea, I gave the same response, "I'll be fine. It's no big deal! I won't need to call anyone."  Prior to leaving, my husband worried about the distance.  Again, I confidently gave a similar response, "No big deal.  I'll be fine!"  He cautioned me about the hot weather and specifically advised me to take plenty of water and stay hydrated. I like a long run now and then, and 7 miles seemed perfect.   Though it had been some time since I had ran any long distance, the weather was warm, time was on my side, the decision was made, the race was on!  Consistent with my responses, I drank a few sips of water, left my bottle in the car, put my cell phone in the glove box, and jumped out, and admired mountain upon which I stood.  Phone-less and water-less, I began to run.  The only competitor was myself.  The weather was beautiful.  It was a perfect day.

After pounding the hot pavement for the first hour or so, "warm" quickly escaladed to hot! Suddenly, I realized I was no longer 20 years old, and I was ready to call the "poop-out-pick-up", however, I had tossed my phone in the glove box of the car, confident my determination would see me through.  I came to a steep hill, and really felt like giving up.  "If only I had listened to my daughter, and not felt like I could do it all on my own?"  As I continued, hot, tired, and ready to give up, thirst began to set in.  The more I ran, the thirstier I became. Then, at about 5 miles, I noticed a ditch or canal, full of water, right next to me.  Rushing, cold water was within reach, it would taste and feel so good, yet I knew, it was not clean.  For about the next mile, I ran parallel to that running water.  I could hear it, see it and almost taste it.  I imagined my thirst being quenched by the rushing water, and it felt so good.  I could not believe how thirsty I became with each stride.  I began to slow and approached the ditch.  I walked along the side, staring at the water.  I wanted it so badly.  I was SO hot and SO thirsty, yet I knew it was not clean and if I drank it, the outcome could be disastrous!!

 I stood.  I pondered.  I yearned for a drink.  Then, I walked away and began running again.  I felt empowered, and thoughts and inspiration began to flood my mind and heart!

The water could be too much idle time, late nights, dark places (figuratively and emotionally), a bad habit, temptation, or anything else that is enticing yet possibly disastrous. Then, I thought about the fact that I had water in the car.  I was advised to bring it with me, yet I did not listen.  How often do we intentionally surround ourselves with those things, we know, target our "thirsts" and weaknesses, all the while knowing we have access to living water and knowledge to quench any thirst the world might throw our way, yet, we do not prepare and partake?  The heat could be the intensity of life!  Sometimes it provides an absolutely beautiful day, yet other times, life can be so hot that we want to quit, give up and get out!  Finally, the sun---- or the Son.  He is there illuminating, enlightening and brightening our every day in every way, yet sometimes, we lose sight of His divine potential in our lives and we focus on the heat--- the hard times and challenges that life provides.  I realized that today's challenges can and are tomorrow's strengths, with the comfort of the Son.  With those realizations, I ran!!  By mile 6, those inspirations began to fade, as often they do in life, and my thoughts of weakness and giving up became first and foremost in my mind.  So, with the intensity of the Son, I prayed...... out loud..... as I ran!  "Please, let a neighbor or friend drive by this familiar road, and rescue me!!"  I ran, watched and nothing.  I prayed again, this time a little louder.  "Please, let even a stranger drive by, see the pain and desperation in my face, and stop and rescue me!"  I ran, watched and nothing.  Quickly approaching mile 7, tears welled up in my eyes, as thirst, pain, heat and frustration overcame me.  Finally, I pleaded, "Please send my husband or one of my kids----whisper to them that I am struggling, and send them to my rescue..........even though I did not listen.....did not bring my phone or water.......send them!"  As I looked in the distance, I could see the familiar lights of our silver Hyundai headed right for me.  I began to run faster and faster, so that they would not know the extent of my desperation.  It slowed as it approached, then drove right by.  I prayed again.  And, again, another silver car approached.  Again, my speed and determination increased.  And, again, the silver car of strangers drove by.  I continued to pray and continued to see more silver cars than I had ever seen before.

 Silver car after silver car, motivation after motivation, yet, not apparent rescue.  Then, I turned down the top of our street.  I slowed to a walk to allow my muscles to cool.  As I walked I pondered again........... "Why had He not answered my prayers?"  I walked away from the dirty water and pleaded and prayed to be rescued.  Silver car after silver car, but no answer.  Then it hit me.  I had made it home!  I had finished the race!  I did not give up!  I did not quit!  And, He did hear and answer my prayers............ with each silver car He heard.  And, with each silver car He answered!  These answers motivated, encouraged and inspired when I was about to give up.  He could have sent a ride......then I would have always wondered if I could have finished the run.  And, I would not have learned about the "water", the "heat" or the "Son".

As I ran, I learned, He lives!  He hears!  He answers!  He teaches!  He comforts!  Silver car after silver car, He sends, if we will but open our eyes, and see Him in the details of our lives.  Each tender mercy, each and every day, to keep up from the dirty water, to push us and inspire us to Get Up!  Get Dressed! Show up! And, Never Give Up!  7.3 miles.  Silver car after silver car.  He lives!!

Mothers

Happy Mother's Day!!! by Slidely Slideshow

I made this video to pay tribute to all the great Moms, mother-in-laws, sister-in-laws, Aunts, friends and neighbors who have influenced my life and made me a better person.  And, I wanted to make something my kids could look back on to remember how the worst of times can become the best of times,

as far as growth goes.  We managed to find rainbows, and lots of them, amid the storms.  My kids were those rainbows, many times!  I also want those who are moms, who hoped to be mothers, who are still wishing to be mothers, and even those who have not had children yet have been mothers to many, to know what a valuable roll you play, being part of the myriad of villages out there, raising children today, making the world a better place, one child at a time.

To all the birth moms and step moms------ you totally get it!!  It's about willing doing your best, regardless of personal feelings and emotions, to put children first!

  

Being a mom is about sacrifice, and Katrina taught that best!!

Happy Mother's Day!

Change is OK

A while ago, I was talking with a friend.  During the conversation, she told me that over the past few years of trial and challenge, I had changed.  I have pondered this statement for a couple of months.  For a while, it bothered me.  I thought to myself, "I'm still Debbie-------even though my husband left, I'm still Debbie.  Even though my social life is almost non-existent, because of the demands of college and family, I'm still Debbie.  And, even though I have remarried and have a new husband and 6 new children to discover and love, I'm still Debbie!"  And, I stood by my answer!! "I have not changed!"  Until, I happened to stop by the local smoothie store, for a quick treat.  Just walking in the door, you are met with an overpowering aroma of sweet fruit and freshness.  I stood there with my daughter and pondered over the menu of slushy delights.  So many combinations and creative names, I felt healthy just reading about them.  Finally, we made our selections, and the magic began.  Fruit and veggies were gathered.  Yogurt and sherbet measured.  Juice and vitamins to top off each blender full of color and texture.  One flip of the switch and you await your treat with great anticipation.  We were talking as we waited and I just happen to glance over as the attendant opened the blender and filled the cups.  What filled our cups was nothing like what was in the blender.

 Everything came out smooth and completely blended.  Even the color had changed. That smoothie contained the answer to the question I had been pondering.  Had I changed?  Of course I had!!  How could I have survived what I survived, endured what I endured, experienced what I had experienced-------and come out unchanged?   I realized that day, that as Families Change, so do we.  And, that change is OK!  Change brings newness and freshness.  Change is healthy.  Change is inevitable!  And, change is part of our journey!  Today, I may no longer be PTA Parent Extraordinaire, but my circumstances pushed me to find a job.  And, because of my volunteer experience, the school hired me, and I have gone on to love and serve the children, as I had, though in a different capacity.   I just get compensated financially and emotionally.  And, I am expected to be there at a certain time each day.  So, that has changed.  And, that's OK.  Today, I am no longer able to just go shopping whenever, hit the yard sales, and hang out at the pool.  Life's experiences have forced me back to college, which takes a lot of time and energy.  And, I have found my financial resources are dedicated mostly to just the needs of our newly blended family.  So, I now shop out of necessity rather than enjoyment.  When I have a free minute or two, I can be found playing UNO or dancing in the kitchen with kids while making dinner, or in a quiet corner writing a research paper. Something I used to love, is no longer part of my everyday life.  My time and resources are now budgeted to the minute and penny.  My interests and habits have changed.  I have changed!!! And, that's OK!!! I went from double dating on the weekends with friends, to just finding solace and refuge at my home with my kids.  To now, blending our families, which requires time and energy.  I find myself just enjoying the newness and freshness of our family, and realizing that there is nowhere I would rather be, than home with them.  Sometimes, I have to pinch myself, as a reminder that this is really my life!!  Families Change.  And, have I changed?  The answer is a resounding YES!!!  I will never drink another smoothie or smell a freshly cut orange, without reminding myself that, yes, I have changed, and that's OK!  Life is definitely On The Job Training!!!  Through the ups and the downs, trial and error, the good and the bad and the happy and sad------ we learn to accommodate, appreciate and compensate for such change.  We accommodate by making changes, finding jobs, going to school, being willing to move, and do whatever it takes to hold our families and ourselves together, when the storms of life rage and create change.  We suddenly appreciate what we had and still have, when life robs us of our "normal."  And, we learn what it means to compensate.  Times of challenge and change, force us to compensate where others fall short and where life has short-changed us and our families.  And, most of all, we learn to rely on He who truly compensates us, He who makes up the difference where we fall short.  He who compensates us in blessings, a thousand fold, for our efforts to make the best we possibly can out of life's lemons of tragedy, trial and change.

Have I changed.  YES!!!  Will I continue to change?  YES!!  Am I the same person I was 5 years ago.  No!  I am not bitter, most of the time.  I am striving to be better!!  And, in a strange sort of way, I am grateful for life's lemons.  I would not be who I am today without them.  Change is hard!  Change brings tears!  Change happens! Change brings freshness and newness.  And, change is OK!

By Their Fruits....

A few weeks ago, I was having a really hard time!!  I felt like I was spread so thin between so many obligations, that I was not able to accomplish any of them like I would like to.  The house was sort of clean, the laundry was sort of done, and the kids were sort of happy.  I ended up with an evening with no one home.  (Which, in house with 6-10 kids, does not happen very often).  There I stood, in my sort of picked up home, with homework that was sort of done, and thought, "Forget it!!  Why bother?" If you can relate, stand up and yell, "Amen sister!!"  For weeks, it seemed, all I could see were my weaknesses........the things I did not get done, the appointments I had missed and the many things I had not yet accomplished.  The adversary truly is a magnifying glass of negativity!!  The more weaknesses I saw, the bigger they seemed, and failure and emotional breakdown was right around the corner.  As I stood there in my empty house, I decided to just walk out the door and take ride and visit my married daughter.  I just popped in and we had so much fun.

She is having a baby soon, so she showed me the crib and all it's fixings!

 They live in a one bedroom apartment, so this process did not take long.  She showed me how she had creatively organized her ever-so-small closet to accommodate she and her husband and the new arrival.

 She then, lifted up the crib skirt and showed me the diaper and wipe storage area, in bins the exact size to fit.  A small, old book shelf had been converted into the baby's dresser with fabric boxes of booties, bows and binkys replacing the shelves of books from her childhood room.  I looked around her home and found that every room had received the same tender loving care, and each item had it's place.  And, on the walls were pictures from her wedding framed in old frames that were painted from the second-hand store, remodeled within a newlywed budget, to adorn their first palace together.  Suddenly, I felt a warmth run through me like no other, and the words, "by their fruits, ye shall know them.." filled my heart!   Someone had taught this young mother-to-be, the many ways to make a house a home.  Someone had taught this beautiful new wife how to be frugal yet fun.  Someone had taught her some organization skills, and some cleaning skills to boot.  Perhaps, I had been part of such a miracle?  Maybe all those things I had "sort of done", really had made a difference?  And, when I felt the spirit of love in her home, it just quietly whispered to my heart, "all your sort-ofs, were just enough!"

That night, as I drove home to my empty house, my heart was full!  I decided that then and there, that I had given far too much power to the adversary and allowed my mind and heart to be full of so much negativity that I could barely make it through each day.  When we are weak and our energy is at an all time low, it is not a Diet Coke that we need.  We need to realize the real Rockstar that lives within each of us.  Mothers are crucial in maintaining the spirit of the home.  Because of that, we wear a target on our backs, each and every day, inviting the adversary's firey darts of depression, low self-esteem, lack of motivation, feelings of failure, and doom and gloom.  Each is a formula for disaster, and so the adversary wins!!  I realized that I need to be better, smarter and stronger.  I have started a new pattern for beginning and ending each day.  As I lay in my bed, and just prior to getting up, I think of 3 great things I have done, or been a part of.  Just three great things is enough to fill my tank with ample positivity to get through the day, and even spread a little on my way.  Sure, are all of my kids perfect?  They are all just as imperfect as I.  Have all of my kids gone on to make the decisions I would hope?  Nope--- just as I am learning, so are they.  But, there is something within each and everyone of them that is good, that is of me, and, that is of Him........and that is enough.  So, when I am down, and wondering if I have done any good, I try to remember, "by their fruits ye shall know them," then I look no further, for in each of their goodness, is a little bit of ME!!!  And, within each of their goodness........... is a part of YOU!!!

 And, suddenly, rather than the failures flourishing in your mind and heart, it is their smiles, their accomplishments large and small, it is their goodness and divinity that grows and fills our tanks of positivity to make it one more day....... and even smile along the way.  "By their fruits......."

Quiet Moments

 The other night, my police officer husband came home from work.  He shared with me some recent training they had received as police officers.  They talked about the importance of having time, after work, to relax and be "off duty."  They talked about the increase in depression, suicides and other challenges among officers.  Those doing the training, encouraged the officers to take time after work, to do nothing.  To enjoy being "off duty."  To not only let their bodies rest, but their minds enjoy a slower pace of relaxation, that comes, when the badge is taken off, even if just for a moment.  With a big family, games, programs, events and obligations, our "off duty" can be crazy, and sometimes, it seems, we are in the middle of a Hold-Up of sorts.  As a single mom, I was constantly "on duty".  Now, as a mother and step-mother, I seem to always be at least, "on call," for something or someone.  So, each evening after work, he has a Quiet Moment.  Sometimes I would just go in and quietly lay by him, and soon, I would begin listing off the goings on of the day, so fast that I might have needed a citation to slow things down.  A while ago, I made my way next to him, during his Quiet Moment.  Within in seconds, I was rambling again, and rather than reach for his radar gun for speed control, he patted me tenderly and said, "Shhh.....take a little rest, ok?"  That "Shhh" gave me permission to slow down, and in a Quiet Moment, take a 30 minute power nap.  I woke up rejuvenated!  I don't think I had slept that well in years. After that nap, I realized, that as mothers, we are truly officers constantly on call, attempting to control the peace of small and large quarrels.  We are solving mysteries within the home, writing citations for back-talking and disrespect, or for speeding out the door without permission or proper identification of a date.  We are performing search and rescues on toddlers who have climbed too far up the slide in the ball pit, and teenagers who have been out too far past curfew.  And, each time we attempt to park our minds and write a report, another call comes in and we are immediately dispatched on a projectile throw-up call, delivering a forgotten lunch or paper, or better yet, a "Missing Mommy" crisis. 

Among Mothers on duty, comparison of one's strengths to another's weakness is at an all time high, while self-esteem is at an all time low.  And, the number of spiritual and emotional suicides among mothers is almost pandemic in number.  Mothers are facing challenges unique to our day, clinging to our higher power for strength and guidance.  With this post, may I declare, "Mothers, it's ok to take off your badge, and take a Quiet Moment for yourself!!!"  It's ok to Shhh.....yourself, and take a little rest!  I have realized that blending families means more than just getting along.  It means blending one another's schedules, likes and dislikes,  habits and  quarks, strengths and weaknesses.  It means compromise, cooperate, and capitalize!  Compromise with your favorite date-night activity and his.  Cooperate and be a new team, empowered with the past and ready to conquer the future, together.  And, capitalize, on those unexpected Quiet Moments, when everyone is fed, clean and entertained, to sneak another Quiet Moment or two....together!  So, I decided, if you can't beat em', join em', and I started taking a Quiet Moment for myself, each evening. Sometimes we chat a bit, other times we sleep.  Then, there are those moments when no words are spoken, but volumes communicated and understood!  I have also realized that when I slow down a bit, the noise from the day quiets a bit too.  And, in the quiet, He speaks to me.  In those Quiet Moments He inspires me with additional strength and courage for my next "shift".  He enlightens me with understanding to solve those mysteries, to search and even rescue a lost child or friend.

 In those Quiet Moments He calms me.  As I take time to slow down, in those Quiet Moments, He miraculously puts my worries and concerns into perspective. And, alarm and concern become patience and understanding.  And finally, in those Quiet Moments, I am reminded that our children are His, and no one knows them better than He.  So, don't be afraid to take off your badge and enjoy a Quiet Moment!  With the internet and a world that never sleeps, may we remember, the importance of Quiet Moments!  Quiet Moments to pray, ponder and meditate.  Quiet Moments to be inspired and enlightened.  Quiet Moments to share.  Quiet Moments to even, Shhh....and take a little rest.

Take off your badge.  Take a Quiet Moment.  We deserve it!! Quiet Moments! 

Scars of Life

I recently finished reading the book entitled Heaven is Here, by Stephanie Nielson.

She and her husband were both, seriously injured in an airplane crash in Arizona.  At the time of the accident, they had 4 young children.  In the book, Stephanie shares her personal journey, through this horrific challenge.  She is real.  She tells of the joys and the pain of overcoming, doing hard things, and smiling when she felt like crying.  Persevering when she wanted to give up.  She describes the depression and the incredible power of will involved in waking up everyday, only to realize that she was still scarred, and still hurting. Her story motivated me to smile more, give thanks often, and be grateful for the little things.  After reading her book, I realized that the main difference between Stephanie and the rest of us, is that her scars are on the outside and ours are on the inside.  Hers are visible to the onlooker, and her very presence provokes compassion, empathy, curiosity and perhaps a stare.  However, those who look at me and you, have no idea of how broken we have been, and the incredible pain we have suffered.  I too, was on a ride with my husband, a ride called, "life", when all came to a crashing halt, and our "normal and security" exploded into divorce and potential devastation.   And, when I woke up from the shock and pain of abandonment, I knew that I would never be the same.  Stephanie's story reminded me that I cannot expect to make it through this life without scars.  And, such scars simply indicate that my past was real.  I really was hurt.  And, I really can rise above it---- and soar even higher than before--- scars and all, better not bitter!!!

 Every time Stephanie looks in the mirror, or someone gives her a second glance, she is reminded of her past.  For me, it is Christmas day, when kids must leave our home, and visit their dad, leaving a scar on my heart.  It is the holidays, every other year and every other weekend, that I am reminded of the scars of divorce and betrayal, of broken trust and broken hearts, of weakness and vulnerability. Perhaps, it is the scars we can't see that are the hardest to heal.  Scars of death of a spouse or child, scars of addiction, scars of loneliness and emptiness, scars of depression and inadequacy, ultimately, scars of Family Change ---- these are deep and take time, and must heal from the inside out.  Reading Stephanie's story reminded me that though our scars may tell where we have been, they do not need to dictate our future.  I may be scarred, but I refuse to sink!!!  Stephanie's story caused me to think and ponder my own life, my own experiences, my own pains and my own scars.  In doing so, I realized the importance of He who was wounded in my behalf, and the powerful role of hope and purpose my Savior plays in my life.

He bears the scars, so that mine won't continually hurt, so that I can regain my strength and move forward, becoming better than I ever was before.  Better because my love for Him is deeper with each scar.  Better because of those scarring experiences that leave you feeling alone and abandoned in your very own Gethsemane.   Stephanie's story touched my heart and the hearts of many.  May we all realize the importance of not trying to hide our scars---- for they may be someone else's lighthouse in a storm!  Never be ashamed of your scars of life---- they only mean that you are stronger than that which is trying to take you down!  So, pain or no pain.  Trial or no trial.  Scars or no scars.  Get up!  Brush yourself off!  And, keep climbing!!  Scars!