As strange as it was, for those five and half years, I began to see only his strengths, the things that I loved about him, the things I couldn't imagine living without, the things I would miss if he were gone. I could not manage to shut off my brain or my heart, for even a moment. And, so I continued, day by day, week by week, unclear of my future. Unclear of how all of this would impact my children. Many days, this fog was physical. My stomach hurt. I felt nauseated for days at a time. My head hurt from thinking too much, I'm sure. And, my heart hurt, physically hurt, it was breaking and it hurt right in the middle of my chest, like knot of fear and pain, disappointment and failure, all wrapped up in "what more could I have done?" And here, the pleading began. This fog was also quite spiritual in nature. This fog prevented me for weeks at time from paying attention to friends, to the news, to fun events I would have normally gone to. This spiritual fog seemed to form a bubble around my family and I, enabling me to focus only on them, when that sort of spiritual concentration was imperative! As this fog would quiet the nose around me, I would feel periods of peace, though unknown, it was definitely peace. I quietly began my plea with my higher power in prayer to save my family! Morning and night, just like I was taught as a little girl, I pleaded that things would change. That He could save my family. That I could remain home with my children. The fog became emotional the more I pleaded. I felt my higher power's presence with me all day every day, not just in the morning and at night. And, the pleading continued. I found myself jogging in the mornings and rather than allowing each step to pace my breathing, I pleaded.
My Story and The Preface already tell the ending, but today, I felt impressed to share of my pleading during those years. After 5 years of pleading, he left. I was alone. My family did not remain, as I knew it. My children did not have a father in the home. I felt as though the carpet had been pulled out from under my feet and I was scrambling to find balance, my new reality, my new normal, and make it great!! However, I never once felt unheard or abandoned by my higher power. As a matter of fact, it was quiet the contrary. Because of this 5 year fog of pleading....... He was there! Though things did not end as I had hoped and pleaded, that fog gave me spiritual power to endure, to do hard things, to survive, the live without the normal as I knew it and make it ---. Five years of pleading taught me that He listens, He comforts, He provides, He brings safety to the soul. Most of all, that fog taught me that He knows! Those 5 years of pleading taught me that I am NEVER alone, that I will never get a busy signal! What I learned during those 5 years of pleading could never have been learned any other way, other than that fog of challenge and trial, pain and sorrow. My spiritual fog allowed me to focus on family and what really matters. That fog allowed me to gain a relationship with my Savior that I could not have gained on my own, without the challenge and the pleading.
I still pray when I run! I still pray when I drive! I still relish in the stillness of the night, which is never dark, when you're pleading! Though my story did not end as I thought it would or should, it ended as He knew it would. And, He continues to amaze me with a "story" I would have never dreamed of on my own. For those going through dark times, the stomach ache does subside. Time will quiet your mind. And your heart, I found, when it breaks, it creates even a bigger capacity to love like I never thought of before. If you let it! If you plead! It's worth it! Doubt not! Fear not! Cease not to plead!