Thursday, November 27, 2014
This morning, I am warm. The furnace is billowing and the windows are edged in steam from morning showers and I am comforted physically and emotionally. I am grateful for heat and hot water. Just 3 winters ago, I sat in this same room, looked out the same window and pleaded with the heavens, through the thick, dark, cold clouds of winter and trial, begging for warmth and peace. Our furnace had gone out and so had the hot water heater, that winter. As a single mother, each morsel of bread was budgeted and well calculated. With wounded hearts and empty wallets, I boiled water and moved a space heater from room to room, for a time, pondering how I would care for my children alone. In this very office, I knelt and pleaded with my higher power to show me a way, to provide warmth. Most of all, I pleaded for comfort and peace. This morning I am warm, and I am grateful for the comforts of our time, like heat and hot water. I am grateful because of those cold winter nights and the lack of such blessings, for a time, that have filled my heart with gratitude, this Thanksgiving morning. Every time the furnace turns on, I remember that heating repairman and the bill I never received. I was cold and today, I am grateful for it. That miracle of running hot water will never cease to amaze me and the hum of the furnace is a constant reminder that I am never alone. Today, I am warm.
This morning, the house is quiet, and only a couple of children remain, soon to leave, this holiday morn. One will work today, and bring happiness and joy to those she cares for, and that fills my emptiness. The last remaining will soon leave, to join the others, in spending this holiday with their other parent. This is my new reality. Quiet holidays, here and there and celebrations shared. This morning, I remember suffering and pains of infertility and longing for more children. My lack of children forced me to visit doctors, specialists, palm readers, holistic healers ----- anyone who might be able to open up the windows of heaven and pour out the blessing of children. My lack of children made way for the miracle of adoption and step-parenting. My lack of children brought empathy for those who also suffer empty arms that accompany infertility and divorce, death and miscarriage. Families Change, hearts are healed and empty arms are filled with faith in the only one who knows EXACTLY how we feel. Those who seek Him shall never lack----- In the quiet loneliness I am grateful.
This morning, I am thankful for the lack of finances and a tight budget. Finances have forced me to focus on gifts that cannot be purchased like cleaning a bedroom while a child is at school, leaving a note of love and appreciation on a favorite candy bar, an encouraging note in a sack lunch, a word of encouragement on a mirror, or just a smile and a hug at just the right time. My lack of happiness at times, has forced me to create it. My lack of an umbrella in the storm, has motivated me to get one, borrow one or make one, or just smile and dance the night away………..and it does go away! This Thanksgiving morning, I am grateful. I am grateful for all of the experiences and things I have not had or do not have, for the “Lack of” has taught me and made me who I am today. Gratitude turns what we have into just enough. Being grateful is the best way to start out every day! The “Lack of” and Thanksgiving!
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Pearls result from injury! The grain of sand begins to hurt and irritate the oysters delicate tissue. So, as it tries to protect itself and coat the sand to lessen the injury, a pearl results! I couldn't think of anything more perfect. Mr. B and I had both been injured beyond what we would have ever imagined. That pearl on my finger would be a constant reminder to us both, to always be sensitive because of where we had been. To be aware of tender feelings and emotions that surface from day to day. And, as we protect each other and our relationship, a priceless pearl will result---- a relationship that will not be sold for selfishness, but created through sensitivity and injury. My priceless pearl!
No two pearls are alike!! No two marriages are alike! No two families are alike! No two blended families are alike! And, I knew, going into a second marriage, there would be things that were different from the first! I knew that our family might look different than the social norm. I knew that our relationship would be different than any other! So, a pearl seemed the perfect stone! Every time I look at my hand, and see my ring, I am reminded to dare to be dynamically different!!
Pearls are not found just lying on the seashore ---- you've got to know what you're looking for and be prepared to dig, dive and search for them! My pearl wedding ring reminds me everyday that good relationships don't just happen. I have realized, through analyzing past failures, that relationships take time and a lot of hard work. You need to know what you are looking for and be prepared to work for it. You might have to dig through the sands of sea to find the one worth working for. My pearl reminds me that there are times when I will need to dig for answers, peace and patience. My pearl reminds me to always be aware of feelings and emotions.
I have enjoyed speaking to many of you at various events in the community. You have filled me as I have been given opportunities to share in your Relief Society and Young Men/Young Women meetings, lessons, firesides and events. I have loved speaking in Women's Conferences. Each event has connected me with many of you that have filled me when I was empty. These opportunities have seen me through the darkest period of my life, and allowed me to see the light that was, is and has always been there. For that, I thank YOU!!