Windmills are fascinating! They are eternally at work to accomplish there end result---- energy! They shift with the changes of the wind, and find themselves in around 10 different positions and angles each day. They are not shifting from the wind to protect themselves, but right smack into it, in order to capitalize on the strength of the wind and the increased energy that confrontation invites, as a result. There are windmills in Spanish Fork Canyon, that we would pass by, from Northern California to Carbon County, each time we would drive to visit my relatives. These windmills marked the final leg of our journey. These windmills represented the end of a race. The beginning of vacation. The end of a long trip. These windmills represented change from the past into the future.
Often times, when we face challenges, we experience those "quiet times" and panic sets in. "Will I recover from this?" "Will we ever be the same?" Just like Jessica's rescuers had to be flexible, open-minded and willing to change in order to finally reach the toddler, we too, must be open to a variety of solutions to our challenges, and not be afraid to face the winds of change, and gain spiritual energy as we survive such challenges. I have learned that when you focus only on results, things will never change. But, if you focus on change, and not be afraid of it, but face it, you will see divine results.
I remember about 8 months into my journey of single parenthood. It was summer time, and my days were spent searching and gathering paperwork for divorce. As I would be going through files or answering emails, it almost seemed like an out-of-body experience------ this really can't be me!!! But, it was, and so I gathered. One day, I realized my son's birthday was quickly approaching. Most of our conversations were about "party planning", gifts he was hoping to receive, friends he was hoping to invite, what kind of pizza he wanted to have and what to do at the party. As his special day got closer and closer, I would go to bed at night crushed with my own reality, that would soon become his. I would find myself, conversing with my Heavenly Father. "What shall I do?" "How will I tell him?" "Help me find an inexpensive way to make his day special?" The next day, he awoke and in a very convincing voice, he said, "Mom, don't worry, I know exactly what to do for my birthday!" I sighed with relief, as I thought for sure, he had been calmed and inspired by a higher power, to have little or no expectations. And now, he would tell me to just not worry about it. I gave him my undivided attention and got the biggest hug all ready to give. With his hands on his hips, he told me to relax, about the party. He followed these yoga-like instructions with, "All we need to do is rent a huge inflatable trampoline for the backyard. I've always wanted one. You know, like the carnivals and fairs have. We will invite all 20 of my friends. Then, we will have pizza and brownies!!! OK, Mom?" I sat, numb from the words he spoke. I felt as though I had just fallen into a 22 foot well of disappointment and failure!!! It was dark, cold and lonely. How would I ever provide such a party? How would I feed 20 friends when I could hardly feed my own children? I found myself, during this period, distancing myself from that higher power, which had always been such a source of strength and energy. I began to doubt Him, to doubt His power and influence in my life, and to doubt myself. I felt abandoned in my well of grief, with little or no hope of a rescue. I recognize now, that this was definitely the adversary trying to get me down. I remained in that dark well of depression for a few days. I could no longer sing. It was all I could do wake up each morning, and provide the bare minimum for my children. I could feel myself, slowly, slipping farther and farther down the well of depression. Now, I not only felt abandoned by my husband, but also by my Heavenly Father. Why didn't He tell my son there would be no party so that I did not have to? Wasn't it enough that I had to tell him his father left? Now, I had to tell him there would be no 9th birthday celebration. I had a shower to attend in Spanish Fork, that afternoon. So, I mustered up the energy to get dressed and headed to my car. I entered the freeway and began to drive. I did not realize that I had past the off ramp I needed, until I saw on my right, that familiar field of windmills.