Profound

I was watching General Conference, this past Sunday.  It is a meeting for anyone and everyone, all over the world.  It gives the general authorities of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints an opportunity, every 6 months, to address the church, as a whole.  The talks are not planned as a group.  Topics are not given.  However, the meeting always seems to flow together, with an amazing spirit of renewal and inspiration. Last week, there were many talks which taught me, however, one talk pierced my soul to its very core, and I could not sit still until I wrote:

Sunday-- 6 October 2013

Today, marked the last day of General Conference, October 2013.  It was remarkable!  We were reminded to stay close to the Lord.  We were encouraged to Love God and to Love others.  We were invited over and over again, to share our testimonies.  It is my hope and prayer, that through this post, the Spirit will be felt, my testimony shared, and most of all, that the heart of each reader will be touched.  I was moved to tears, as President Thomas S. Monson spoke this morning.  He opened his talk, remembering his sweet wife Francis, who passed away, just a few months prior.  President Monson spoke of her sweetness and their close friendship.  He spoke of her constant support without complaint.   He said, "To say that I miss her does not even begin to describe my feelings..."  He described his loss as "profound".  And said she was, "an angel indeed."  My heart began to pound as I thought about my years as a wife, the past three years without that role and title, and the past two months of remarrige, as a wife again.  It was not a question of, "could it be said of me that I was supportive, a trusted confidant or closest friend?"  It was much more than that.  It was a question of, "would it be said of me?"  Would I be described as an "angel?"  Once I pass from this life to the next, would my loss be "profound?"  I realized again, the importance of my role as a wife and a mother, and soon to be "grandmother"(that's right--- April 2013) meant to me.  The incredible warmth I felt from head to toe, testified to me, that these roles are eternal, and also mean everything to Him.  This testified to my very being, how much I love being a wife, and as equally powerful, how much I had missed that role.

I decided today, that if I wanted to be referred to as an angel, that I had better go about my day as an angel would.  And, that if my loss was to be felt and my legacy remembered, I had work to do!!  In his address, President Monson shared the words of a poet:

Good timber does not grow with ease,

The stronger wind, the stronger trees.

The further sky, the greater length.

The more the storm, the more the strength.

By sun and cold, by rain and snow,

In trees and men good timbers grow.

Though there are days when the adversary would have me feel like a failure, this poem reminded me that perhaps, the strong wind of divorce, hurt and pain, could in effect, make me even a better wife.  And, that though I have been divinely given the opportunity to be a wife again, there will still be storms to bring strength, bright blue and dark gray skies------ all with the potential to make me "profound" and "angelic".......if I allow it to. 

I realized that because families are SO important and vital to all of us and even to our communities and our futures, the adversary will waste no time in his attempts to tear them apart.  He will use large wrecking balls of infidelity and addiction.  He will quietly take us apart, brick by brick with low self-esteem, hatred, anger, priorities and secrecy.  He will try and get us to fight rather than be faithful.  To be negative rather than nurture.  To see our glass half-empty instead of half-full.  He will beat us down with our own weaknesses.  And, he would have us feed our doubt and fear until it becomes all-consuming, rather that look to our higher power who truly holds all power to make us free!  He will turn our focus from posterity to possessions,  from kitchens and cradles to careers and clothing.  He would have what model and year we buckle up into become more of a priority over who we buckle up and how quickly those years fly by! 

Today, I have begun my life-long pursuit of becoming angelic.  Though I know I AM a child of God, I want to BE a child of God, in all my interactions and pursuits.  I want to love when it is easier to hate.  I want rise rather than crumble.  I want to put up over give up---- everyday, without ceasing.  Though each day I am a mother, a recess-duty, an elementary school aid, a full-time college student, maid, cook, chauffer and wife, the title of His Child, will dictate what I do, what I say, how I act, who and what I listen to and how I serve, as I fulfill each of these roles................if I let it.  The knowledge of being His child not only brings meaning and reason, but hope, peace and motivation to be His hands, each and every day, inside the walls of my own home and out. 

I want my kids to know, all 10 of them, that I LOVE YOUR fathers!!!!  That I have and forever will be their friend, their confidant, their support and biggest fan.  And, when I mess up, I will rise with the help of heavenly wings and brush off the dirt with apology and forgiveness and begin again.  To my 4 children, I ALWAYS supported your father.

Though I have had moments when his actions have torn me apart to point of bleeding to death in hurt and pain and I have retaliated as a child of His would not have, I have apologized, sought forgiveness, and taken courage and allowed His grace and sacrifice to heal those wounds, and I have tried again.  And, I will continue to do so.  To all 10 children, I LOVE my husband!  I am honored to be his wife.  Doing laundry is no longer a chore, for I know, that load by load, I will run across his items, and love permeates my being as I fold them.  I do not love him in spite of weaknesses, I love him because of them!!!  We are a team for each other and for each of you!!  Though I am not angelic, I am an angel in the making.  And, I am part of Lord's university of love, life and forever learning.  Where classes can be retaken as many times as needed, requiring a full-tuition of courage and desire to try again.  "Profound" is the word I would use to describe my husband, your father and step-father, my best friend........and most of all, my love for each of you.   Profound is the warmth I feel when each of you are around!

Profound is my testimony of the truthfulness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I KNOW He lives.  I know He suffered for each and every one of us.  I know that He is the only one who knows our sorrows, pain and sufferings.  I also know that He is the only way to healing.  I know that Joseph Smith was a true prophet and that he did restore the Gospel here on earth.  The fact that he would lay down his life for it, is nothing other than profound!  I know that He prayed and his prayers were heard and answered.  I know, as sure I am typing, that he did in fact, see God the Father and Jesus Christ.  Not because I saw it too, but because of the profound warmth I feel, as the Holy Ghost testifies, each and every time I read of it!  I know that we are all His children.  I know He loves us with a profound love!  I know that though Families Change, He does not!  He is constant! The Gospel is a profound blessing and the fruit from living it is thirst-quenching.  I hope and pray to be a profound influence for good in the many lives around me.  This is the degree I truly seek.  And, I know that with Him, I can do exactly that------ with nothing less than a profound amount of courage and faith, strength and effort, and LOVE!! Profound are we!!!

Circles

There I sat, on the edge of my hospital bed, staring at the familiar bassinet where my new daughter lay sleeping.  This marked the culmination of my 4th pregnancy and 3rd delivery in 5 years.  I had just sat on the edge of that very bed, 18 months prior, after the delivery of my second baby.  Needless to say, the familiarity was accompanied by paralyzing anxiety regarding the future.  My thoughts raced with useless self-doubt in my ability to sufficiently meet the needs of these three little ones, under four years of age.  Fear soon followed, as my mind raced with wonder, "How will I take care of two young ones and a newborn, each morning they wake up hungry, needing love and attention and care?" "How will I get them to bed each night, with the same one-one-one time I have always given them?" "What time will I need to wake up in the morning, to have a minute to read and recollect, before I begin each day?"  "Where will I put my groceries with a basket full of children?"  Without answers for any of these questions, I kissed my newborn on the cheek, and decided to shower, there in my hospital room.  As the water began to run down my head, tears began to flow as I pondered my future.  Soon, I heard the voice of my pediatrician.  Through the door, he asked me how I was doing?  I told him I was fine.  I assumed he then checked out the baby, and headed to his next patient's room, as he did each morning.  When I was able to maintain a little bit of composure, I turned the shower off, wrapped my body and hair in a towel and opened the bathroom door.  There, smiling, sat my pediatrician, on the foot of my hospital bed.  He winked at me and said, "Are you ready to take this Princess home?"  Suddenly, I just broke down and crumbled, right before him.  I explained to him my feelings of complete and utter inadequacy regarding this newborn, and the responsibilities that awaited me at home.  I begged him to keep me in the hospital for a few more days.  He sat down with me, and calmly took out a piece of paper.  He drew one small circle.  He said that represented my little family----- my husband and my 3 little ones, and our home, the day to day stuff that absolutely  NEEDED to be done each day, like meal prep, laundry and basic clean up.  He then drew a larger circle around it and labeled it, "My Responsibilities".  He told me that My Responsibilities included house cleaning beyond the typical day-to-day stuff, yard work, church callings, and any school or community responsibilities that I had committed to do.  Then, he drew yet an even bigger circle.  This outer circle was labeled "Friends and Neighbors".  It represented anything and anyone that did not have a particular time limit or responsibility connected to it.

 After creating these three Circles, he tenderly put his arm around me.  He pointed to the center circle.  He explained that this was all I needed to worry about for the coming days, and possibly even months.  It was up to me.  He told me that when I woke up in the morning, I just needed to worry about a husband and these 3 little ones and NOTHING ELSE.  He told me to make easy meals, do minimal chores and just worry about my family.  He told me that each day I would get better and better at it.  And, that after I felt confident with that ever important task of taking care of my family, I would naturally extend my energy to the next circle of  My Responsibilities.  I could begin to incorporate extra chores, some yard work.  Then, I could fulfill my other commitments.  This feeling of accomplishment would create more and more confidence in my abilities, that soon I would be able to reach out to that outer most circle of Friends and Neighbors.  In doing so, my confidence would grow exponentially, as I learned to take care of My Family, meet My Responsibilities and then, reach out to Friends and Neighbors.

Circles continue to remind me of a loving doctor and friend who took the time to not only teach me a valuable lesson, but to show me that he cared.  Circles continue to remind me that I cannot always do everything.  And, that my priority lies in My Family circle.  This Circle Effect has helped me during the many events of Family Change.  When a family member has been sick or struggling, I automatically go back to my inner circle, and make sure their needs are met each day.  Then, I venture out to other Responsibilities and then Friends and Neighbors.  When my husband left, for the first time, in 2005, leaving me with 4 little children, I, once again, went back to my inner most circle and began to work my way out again.  Then, when my he left for good, in 2010, the feelings of failure were all-consuming.  I had worked SO hard, been SO supportive and I failed!!!  I functioned on auto-pilot for the next few days, barely getting kids fed and off to school.  One morning, my alarm went off.  The burden of my reality so heavy that I could not even move the covers let alone, get out of bed.  So, I laid still, and horizontally pleaded to the heavens for divine guidance.  As I opened my eyes to the darkness of the morning, I saw above me, the drawing of Circles.  And, I could hear His familiar voice and feel His loving arms around me, and knew I just needed to go back to my inner Circle------just take care of my 4 children, and soon, I would gain the confidence and strength I needed to tend to the other Circles of my life.  I was calm as I realized again, that not only could I not do it all myself, but that I did not HAVE to do it ALL.  And, most importantly, someone knew me, knew the challenges that awaited me, and took the time to let me know He cared.  I can honestly say, it probably took me a year to venture out of my inner circle, after my husband left.  And, that was OK!!!  I realized that my Inner Circle had changed.  Death, divorce, college and missions, birth and adoption, military service, kids grown and gone, and even re-marriage....... as life goes on, our inner circles change.  With some change, our inner circles enlarge.  With other change and challenge, our inner circles are strengthened.

I have come to know and understand the importance of my inner circle and making sure those needs are met.  Taking care of those that I have a divine responsibility to, allows me to accomplish my other Responsibilities and even touch the hearts and serve my friends and neighbors, as I accomplish, serve and love, one circle of responsibility at a time.

I have grown to love and appreciate this blog so much.  Over the past 3 years of incredible Family Change, it has allowed me to reach out beyond my inner circle, through technology, when my time and energy would not have allowed.  It has given me the opportunity to make more friends, meet more people and even have opportunities to speak and share, even though, there are still days, when I never make it out of my inner circle. And, through this blog, many of you have touched my heart with your stories, your good wishes and your strength and courage and confidence.

 Now, with a new marriage, my inner circle is filled with new cherished loved ones who are counting on me to focus on them, and meet their every need.  So, I find myself, back to focusing on my inner circle.   I am loving the challenge of figuring out who likes what in their sack lunches, who loves their back tickled at night, who needs to be tucked in with an extra kiss and needs an extra prayer, just for them, whispered in their ear. I am learning who needs to be picked up where, who likes what for dinner, even what music everyone loves to hear.  My Inner circle has grown in number and obligations.  But it has grown even more in love, trust and confidence.  Whenever I doubt  my ability, I can hear that tender whisper of wisdom, and see those Circles.....my Circles.  So, I listen.  I regroup.  I move those heavy covers and return to my inner circle and begin again, to work my way out towards my other circles of responsibilities. I know that as I focus on my family, my inner most circle, that someday, I will be encircled in the arms of a loving Heavenly Father, who entrusted me with each of them.  Circles!

We Build

One of the very first things that we noticed in blending our families, was that we were definitely going to need a shed!  Two households into one, you do the math.  A shed was a must!  What would be the best way to begin?  Should we buy one used?  Should we buy a kit?  Should we purchase the materials and build and design our own?  We decided to design a plan, get the materials and build it ourselves.  So, all day Saturday we went up the hill for supplies, and back down the hill to unload, dug up grass, poured cement and worked busily ALL DAY long!!  At the end of the day, I went out to see our new shed.  What I found surprised me!  After hours of work, many hands, what I found made a profound impression on me, and hence the inspiration for this post.  There before me, I found only a square in the grass in the shape of a rectangle.  I stood and looked at the wood framed, reinforced, cement foundation and a few stakes marking the shape of our future shed.  We are building a shed!  We are all building!  We are building friendships.  We are building businesses and communities.  Most importantly, we are building families.  And so, we build!  And because Families Change, we are never done!  The business of building families is a contractors dream----- always changing.  We don't have the option of buying used or finding kit with everything we need included.  We must design our families after the pattern of our choice.  Then, we must be willing go up and down the hills of life, as we work to create.  And so, We build!

Flexibility is a must for any builder.  Supplies at times may be scarce.  Designs may be flawed.  Problems may arise in the beginning, middle or even the end of a project, requiring us to change our plans.  Many times, as a mother, I have found my supplies scarce.  Just plain out of time and patience.  Perhaps our shelves are empty of emotional or even physical endurance.  We may realize a flaw in our design.  Perhaps a discipline plan or a schedule is not working------ so we change.  Maybe relationships have been strained ----- so we reinforce. Then, there are those times, that a project comes to a stand-still, requiring us to change or even create a new design for our future.  Death and divorce, marriage, remarriage and the realization that our nest is now empty, require us to regroup, be flexible, possibly even re-create---------And so, We Build!!!  I know that when I realized my first husband had challenges extremely difficult for a marriage, I needed patience, love and inspiration to create a new plan.  Then, a few years later, when he left our family for good, I had to sit down, cry, ponder, and create yet a new design, a new vision for what my family looked like.  I needed courage and strength beyond my own.  And so, We Build!

 3 years later, I found myself looking at a yet another new design, when dating and remarriage presented itself.  Again, I needed to sit down, be willing to toss my design aside AGAIN, and seek divine intervention and inspiration in creating another plan, just right, for all 13 of us!!! And, find the patience, trust and determination to start all over again------- in searching to find the perfect piece of land, and begin again.  We build!!!

 Patience is something that I have always needed to work on, and forever wish I had more of.  When my husband said he could design the shed and build it himself, I thought, "Super--- he has a couple of days off, we ought to have the shed built and the garage emptied by the end of the week."  However, I can testify that sheds are not built in a week, nor are families.  Both require constant hard work.  As well as creativity and endurance.

Each night, I have enjoyed discussing the progress.  "Today, we prepared the ground for the foundation."  "We just finished the foundation, a firm foundation, a reinforced foundation, a foundation that cannot be moved----- and it will take a couple of days to dry."  "The walls are up, I need to get up early in the morning, before work, and reinforce them, so they will be strong to withstand any weather."  Building cannot be rushed.  There are many things that need to be done, even things that no one will ever see, to make our shed sturdy and strong.  And so it is for families----- sturdy and strong.  This shed-building has already taught me so much more than the importance of moving your thumb BEFORE you swing the hammer.  I never realized how much building experience I already have.  (And, my husband thought he was the only one with construction experience!)  We all have more building experience than we realize.  Some have survived divorce as children.  Others have lost parents and siblings at a young age.  Some have watched older siblings leave home and witnessed, firsthand, the redesigning and building of families.  There are those who have cared for elderly parents and then buried them.  Both again, requiring a new design of family.  Then others, have withstood the tsunami of storms and buried children and suffered the loss of a spouse through death or divorce----- not only forcing a new vision for the family, but unseen strength and hands.  So, we all been builders of some sort or another all of our lives.  So, we too have experience.  We just need to dig deep.  I think we will find that not only do we have more knowledge than we thought, but we are stronger than we ever knew.

One thing that has really impressed me, is that even when the night comes, or the weather turns for the worst, my husband can be found searching for ways to improve the shed, drawing plans for the perfect roof or even calculating the exact amount of materials to be purchased.   This shed building experience has taught me so much about building families.  First and foremost, it cannot be done in day.  Building families requires a plan----- a plan of core values to instill and upon which to base our teachings, a financial plan, a plan for discipline, a plan for the future and even plans for fun.  I need to be willing search for new ways, study sturdiness and seek to improve upon the design for my sweet family, and be willing to work hard to implement what I learn.   Due to my shortage of patience, sometimes I want to wake up to the family unit I thought of and dreamed of, only the night before.  Or better yet, the perfect family EVERYONE else seems to be a part of.  However, in order to have the strong family I so desire, I need to plan and be flexible and be willing to change-----and sometimes just wait for things to settle and the cement to dry.  I also need to invest the time in pondering the days' accomplishments and coming up with a plan of attack for the future.  One day at a time, both our shed building and family building are coming together.  Somedays, there may not be visible progress, but our plans are in the works, our thoughts are focused, and we are building, and the cement of love and dedication are drying---------we are building and reinforcing in preparation for any storm or change.  Our foundations are strong.  We built the foundation for the shed out of a well-calculated wood frame, cement mixed with rocks for even more strength and wire caging to reinforce an already strong foundation.  For our family, we have chosen a framework of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and cement of faith, reinforced with love and rocks of reality------ reality in knowing that families change, and regardless ----We Build and even re-Build!  A plan designed  for the shed.  Time taken to reinforce the foundation and the walls, not in case of a storm, but in preparation for the storms that will surely come.

Families Change and there is no way around it. Loved ones pass away.  Children grow up and move on.  Jobs are lost.  Illness strikes.  Depression sets in.  Divorce divides.  But, if we remember to build upon a firm foundation of faith, change will come, and we will stand strong!  Put "HAPPINESS" back into families by taking out the word "Perfection," and replacing it with the words, "Perfectly willing to smile, to "build" and make it work------as families change.  With time and design.  Work and patience.  Flexibility and love.  Those we choose to Build up ----- in reality are Building us!   We design.  We wait.  We ponder.  We study.  We reinforce. We're flexible.  We smile.
 And, ---We Build!!!!

Seeing

When we change the way we look at things----- the things we are looking at change!  As a 5 year-old little girl, and a pretty spunky one I might add, I suffered a series of serious headaches.  This was odd for a young child, so my parents took me to see the doctor.  He suggested I have my eyes tested.  Sure enough, the verdict was in, I was visually challenged.  I had a unique prescription.  Not only were some pretty thick lenses required, but my eyes worked against each other, rather than as the team they were designed to be, hence, the paralyzing headaches.    The eye doctor’s office was near a homemade candy store.  And, a favorite treat of mine were their homemade pink candy canes. 

I remember like it was yesterday.  My mom picked me up from school and we went to the eye doctor's, with the promise of a candy cane predicated upon my cooperative yet brave behavior.  With a deal like that, I pranced into the doctor's office with a smile.  I sat on the chair, as he opened the velvet-lined case revealing the chocolate brown rimmed frames and their thick prescriptive lenses.  He cleaned them delicately with a satin cloth and placed them on my face.  It was like putting your TV on the appropriate channel.
The static and fuzz I had been looking at for 5 years, instantly became clear, distinct and in living color!  I felt like a brand new person.  You would have to ask my mom how long it took for the smile to leave my face, but I would imagine, quite some time.  I never wanted to take them off again!!  We walked outside and suddenly I was amazed that the green trees were not just cartoon-like clumps of color, but individual leaves creating each unique arbor.  The road was not just a solid charcoal strip highway, but a myriad of white, black and gray stone-like flecks that together, created each street.  The pink candy cane I will never forget!  As soon as it came into my 5 year old view, I was stunned to realize they were not pink at all.  They were hand-twisted with red and white stripes, creating the festive candy cane I adored!!  When we change the way we look at things--------- the things we are looking at always seem to CHANGE! 

When my husband left, my world as I knew it, became, once again, days of static and fuzz.   My future was no longer crisp and distinct.  My days were no longer bright.  And, my purpose in life lost its’ colorful luster of meaning.   However, with clarity, I remember receiving divorce papers in the mail.  Though I had known for months this would be the outcome.  I knew when I was to watch for the paperwork.  An email indicated the papers would arrive that week.  I opened the mailbox that winter day.  Amidst the snow, I leaned over to retrieve the mail.  There I noticed a large white envelope folded-to-fit, stuffed in with day’s delivery.  The return address was all too familiar, as I had spent some long hours in that cold office.  I put the mail on my shelf and waited until kids were tucked in bed for the night.  Then, alone on my bed, I opened the envelope.  No office visit, phone call or email could have prepared me for what I would see nor how I would feel.  There in black and white, authenticated with a judge’s signature, were the words indicating the official end of life as I had known it for the past 20 years.  I went from being a Mrs. to a Ms., wife to divorcee, and worst of all,  I was now a“single mother” with all it’s devastating statistics.  My vision quickly clouded with tears and I sobbed like I had never sobbed before.  Tears of fear poured down my face.  Tears of failure, embarrassment and loneliness soon soaked my pillow.   I longed for a new pair of glasses that had changed my vision so dramatically as a child.  Soon, I realized that was the answer.  The glasses, I had them all along.  They were tucked deep inside my heart and mind. 

The lenses, thick with perseverance and framed in solid determination.  I took out my cloth of faith and cleaned them with my new attitude.  I put them on, and my world, again, went from fuzz and static to vibrant color.   They changed the way I looked at myself, and I began to change!!!  Where I had seen myself as divorcee, I now saw only determination to overcome any stereotype and rather than feel sorry for myself, I would make something of myself.  That “single mom and her statistics” became crystal clear----- I would beat the odds with my contagious positivity and make sure my children knew that divorce or any family change, was no excuse for failure.  And, later, 3 years later to be exact, those glasses have continued to serve me well.   Rather than used and remarried, I decided I would be “married again”-------blessed again, with another sacred opportunity to be a wife, a companion, a best friend and confidant.  And, being a Step-Mom gave me the chance to Step-in, whenever and where ever needed to make a difference in his children’s lives.  It didn’t take me long to realize that my glasses of perseverance, determination and faith, became my super powers----- allowing me to escape the dangers of bitterness, self-pity, hate and injustice.  While enabling me to more clearly see the possibilities ahead.  Some say, “seeing is believing.”

However, I would have to say, “believing is REALLY seeing!!!”  Believing in myself and all that I can overcome and accomplish, regardless of the hand of unfairness that I had been dealt.  Believing in my ability to succeed regardless of statistics.  And, believing that a loving Heavenly Father sees me, believes in me------ in whom I KNOW, with Him, anything is possible!!!  No more static and fuzz, only clarity and a vibrant rainbow of possibilities-----When we change the way we look at things---things change!I see myself becoming an all-star wife again.  Contrary to the fairy tale stereotype, I see myself blending and becoming a champion mother and step-mother.  Everyday, I SEE myself determined, faithfull, and beating the statistical odds, and creating a strong unified family, in spite of life's unfairness and the consequences of choice.  I believe in me.

 I know that even though Families Change, and they do, so can we!  No more pink candy canes but clearly striped.  Believing is ……. SEEING!!!!

Feelings

I'm sitting in class and we are having a discussion about hard challenges that often come our way.  In particular, we spoke of many of the challenges during the Biblical era.   Picture me, 47 years old, husband left after 21 years of marriage to pursue an alternative lifestyle, spent the last 3 years living week to week financially and day to day emotionally as a single mother of 4.  Then, now, remarried, combined parents of 10 and when I am not in school full-time or at work, I am busy blending and cleaning, blending and cooking, blending and organizing and sometimes blending and playing--------- needless to say, this discussion of "challenges that come our way" made me smile and provoked a lot of feelings within me.  A young student maybe 18 years old, raised her hand.  I sat two rows behind her.  She talked about how no matter when we live, we have the knowledge and know-how of our time.  One period did not necessarily require anymore faith to live than another.  She went on to talk about how we have trials, no matter when we live, and we just have to get through it.  My head and heart began to spin.  I laughed inside and with an almost audible chuckle, I thought, "Oh boy, wait until that young girl grows up, and sees how really hard life can be?"  "Wait until all she hoped for and planned on crumbles around her and she has to pick up the pieces!"  I sat feeling somewhat older and wiser then, my eyes wandered down.   Almost as a neon billboard in Vegas, I saw it,  an artificial leg.  That young girl, whom I thought had not really lived through, let alone survived a real-life challenge, was missing her leg!!!

 My heart began to beat with deep feelings of compassion and admiration for this young lady.  Then, I was humbled-------just looking at her face, she seemed as though everything was fine.  Day after day, she would carry her back pack into class, listen and take notes, just like everyone else.   Perhaps, some of those days she was in pain, real physical pain, from walking all over campus with an artificial leg?  Just like me, on those days when I am so exhausted physically, and my back is straining to carry my heavy pack of books and burdens?   Maybe there were days when she felt all alone, like no one else REALLY understood what it was like to live each day without her leg--to live each day with her leg   Just like I have often thought, to live each day without the normalcy I once knew?  A tear rolled down my cheek when I wondered if she ever felt like everyone was staring at her because she was different?  Just like I feel each and every day?   I wondered if she had days when her artificial leg just rubbed the wrong way and made a raw spot that just writhed in pain?  Just like me, on those days when surviving family change is just too hard, and my feelings are raw and the pain is so real?

As my eyes and heart took note of her predicament, I was overwhelmed with so many feelings, but the most poignant was this:  "We just never know what is going on in the lives of those around us.  We don't know what pain, what heart ache nor what challenges people are facing.  But, this we DO KNOW--we are ALL facing them.  And, though are challenges may be different, many of our feelings are the same!!" 

Realizing that many of my feelings may be her feelings created an instant bond of empathy and compassion.  And, a desire to know her, to love her, to lift her, to lighten her load, and just to make her smile.  Feelings are a gift!  Feelings are powerful.  Feelings are a means of expressing ourselves and our experiences.  Feelings can bridge gaps or create a huge divide between us.  Feelings can help us draw near to one another, or they can isolate us from anyone or anything that can help us.  It's what we choose to do with our feelings that makes all the difference.

I have often felt like no one understands my story, therefore no one could ever understand how I feel.  However, this young lady taught me, just through my feelings, that though our journeys may be different, our feelings, our loneliness, our broken hearts, our challenges may be much the same.  So, when my feelings get the best of me, and they do from time to time, I will remember, that behind every door, behind every perfect PTA president, behind every perfect body and hairdo.  Behind every straight A student.  Behind every perfect parent with perfect children.  Behind everyone who seems to have everything I don't, there may be a heavy load to carry, a broken heart, a lonely spirit, or a missing leg or something else that is missing that makes them feel different--- painfully different.  Yet, their feelings may be just like mine----so I can share, lift and lighten as I am realizing that not only do we all have challenges to face, but we all have FEELINGS---- feelings that are so amazingly similar that we need not ever feel alone.   Feelings that have been felt by someone familiar, even to our Savior, that we need not suffer, or "feel" alone.  Heaven won't be filled with people who have never made mistakes---but with people who knew how to become better because of them.  I am sorry for my quick thoughts of judgment towards this young student whom  I thought did not understand what a challenge is.  However, I will be forever grateful for the feelings that I had because of this experience.  I will also be forever grateful for the feelings of love and admiration I have for her and for others, because of the feelings we share, though unspoken, quite binding......our FEELINGS.

Feelings Challenge:  This week, try to share more feelings with the intent to create a bond with your spouse, your family, your children, your friends and co-workers.  They are hard to share because of the amazing good that can come, when we do share ourselves......feelings!!  I took this challenge!!  Let me know how it goes!!!

Preface-- I knew!!

About a year ago, a college professor encouraged me to write a book about my life's journey, and the twists and turns and challenges and miracles I have experienced along the way.  I told him, that as a single mother, juggling 3 part-time jobs and full-time college, a book was out of the question.  He then mentioned starting a blog.  It felt good.  It felt right.  As I began to write, it felt cleansing.   I began with the day my husband left, after 20 years of marriage, in the pursuit of living an alternative lifestyle.  So, since the birth of this blog, 9 months ago, I have heard from people from many different walks of life.  I have also had opportunities to teach lessons in my church, and to travel and speak to both youth and adult groups about keeping a positive attitude in spite of opposition and challenge.  One thing I have been asked over and over again, was whether or not I knew of my husband's struggle with same-sex attraction, prior to his leaving our family in October 2010.  And so, after much prayerful thought and quiet pondering, I felt the need to answer that question via this blog.  I do hope to write a book, in the future.  And this post, will be part of the preface.  It is my hope and prayer that I can answer this question in the most sensitive way possible.  And, while you read, I hope that you will realize and feel how tender this experience really was.

It was a Sunday evening, in April of 2005, and I had just returned home from a meeting at the church.  My husband had been home with our children, who were, at that point, not quite 3 years old, 8 years old, 10 years old and almost 13.  The three older children were asleep and our little guy was toddling around downstairs.  I sat down on the couch, tired from the day.  My husband looked at me and said, "Have you noticed that I have not been very happy lately?"  I told him I had not noticed that.  He then said he was leaving.  I was so taken back and surprised with grief, that I thought it must be a joke.  He sat and looked at me blankly.  I went upstairs and looked in the garage.  Sure enough, there was his car, packed with clothes and belongings high enough to obstruct the driver's view.  I went back downstairs and asked him some questions.  I began to feel ill and ran upstairs towards the restroom.  I fainted on the stairs during that incredibly difficult climb.  He left as I lay there.  Moments later, I lifted my head, discovered our toddler still strolling around.  I held him in my arms, rocked him to sleep, and sat in the dark for what seemed like hours, just staring in the thick of the night.  I knew, from that moment on, my life would never be the same. 

The next few days were heavy with fear and question.  At first, he would not respond.  Then, email seemed to be our only means of communication.  I believe he remained away for 2-3 days.  I still did not know what was going on, but my mind was constantly racing with wonder.  I learned firsthand what it meant to always have  prayer in my heart.  I prayed for 3 days----- quietly and privately, in my heart, outloud as I drove, as I mowed the lawn, as I prepared and cleaned up meals, I prayed.  I prayed for peace.  I prayed for guidance.  And, I prayed for love, His love, to see my husband as He sees him, if and when he ever returned.  Finally, he returned.  We spent a few quiet nights, both in deep thought.  Then, one night, I asked the hard question, and he answered "Yes!"  His response sent a chill up my spine and I felt numb from head to toe.  As we talked, he told me he did not want to live that lifestyle and he loved me and our family.  He seemed sincere and like he really wanted to change.  I had a hard decision to make.  Probably the hardest decision I had ever made and ever will---- Do I stay in this marriage, knowing the risks, the shattered trust, the deep pain, hurt, betrayal and disappointment????  I finally told him that if he wanted to fight this, I would fight it with him.  We would walk this journey side-by-side, just like I had promised him I would, 20 years prior.  I knew deep down that I had made some sacred covenants, not only with my husband, but with the Lord.  And, I was going to be a Covenant Keeper, no matter what.  My children were not in danger.  Every day I could hold on, was one more day our children had a two-parent home.  Every hour I could hold on, was another hour my children had a full-time father.  Every moment I could hold on, was another moment of "normal" for them.  And, if I could make it a moment, I could make it an hour.  And, if I could make it an hour, I could make it a week.  And, with lots prayer and hard work, perhaps a week could become two and three and even more weeks of "family!!! 

And, so began, my 5 year walk to Zion!!!  I thought if it that way, as I knew, if we could make it, we truly would be of "one heart, and one mind, dwelling in righteousness."  I also knew that there would be many challenges along the way.  I stuck by him through the repentance process. And, I must say, I learned SO MUCH watching and feeling with him.  Don't ever be afraid to walk such a walk along side your spouse.  It truly is an opportunity to grow incredibly close to one another, if you go into it as a team, on the same team!!  So, to the many of you have wondered, yes I KNEW!!!  I did not have any clue prior to his departure that April night.  However, over the next 5 years, I tried to ask hard questions, to support, to help, to encourage, and to even help him up when he fell.  I also tried to never rub his nose in his mistakes.  I figured he probably did that often enough all on his own.  I decided that if all of our sins smelled like smoke, we would all smell about the same.  So, we walked, and walked and walked.  Often times, we even sang as we walked during the little triumphs.  However, as those of you who have followed this blog, I ended up burying my husband along the way.  He gave up.  My heart broke.  I never cried so hard.  However, I knew I had given it my best shot. Many of you have asked me if it was worth it?  To that, I would shout a resounding YES----- Our kids had a father in the home for 5 MORE YEARS!!!  5 more years to grow, to mature, to learn and to become more independent to make it through their father leaving.  5 MORE YEARS to be strengthened to be strong enough to withstand divorce and its aftermath.  5 MORE YEARS to be old enough to help a single mom, broken-hearted, sleep-deprived, financially strapped and emotionally broken, rise above it all, and realize life still has purpose and that God has a plan for us all. 

So, to those of you who have asked if I knew.  I will respond----  for 5 years I KNEW!  I KNEW that I would stand by him while he fought.  I KNEW I would support him through the ups and downs of that process.  I KNEW that our family was worth it.  I KNEW that I would be a covenant keeper, no matter what.  And, I KNEW I was not alone.  I KNEW that He would also walk with us on this journey.  And, that no matter what the outcome, I KNEW He knew.........and that was enough!!! 

Sometimes we see a rose and only notice the thorns, their incredibly sharp points and their potential danger.  Other times, we see a rose and are completely taken by its' beauty. My family was the rose!  And, I was taken by its' beauty and wonder.  Yes, I knew!!!

Reach

Family Change is definitely a time that we can feel overwhelmed, hurt, alone, abandoned and even spiritually injured beyond repair.  Family Change can fill us with emptiness and loss over all that was familiar, comfortable and good.  Family Change can be an cloud of darkness without any hope of light ever again.  Family Change is a period in our lives when we tend to "reach out" or turn away from that higher power that used to give reason, purpose and hope.

There is an account in the New Testament, about a woman and her "issue of blood."  I have known the story, and the woman's faith is what has always stood out to me, in the past.  However, recently,  I was impressed with yet another aspect of this scriptural miracle.  The Bible indicates, that the woman has suffered 12 years.  And, during those 12 years, she has seen physician after physician and spent everything she has in her quest to be healed and made whole.  How often have we all sought after healing and ways of feeling whole--------- perhaps in that bigger house, the new furniture, the new clothes or the latest and greatest of home decor?  The newest in technological advances?  That prestigious job or position?  The new car?  Or even, the perfect boyfriend or girlfriend, spouse, kids and family?  The "if only's" can be all consuming, and thus, we too, end up spending everything we have, in time, our thoughts and resources, in our quest to feel whole and be healed.  This woman finally realizes, after years of searching,  that healing does not lie in anything other than her Savior.  So, she seeks Him.  She finds him in the crowd.

 And, she REACHES...... and touches only the garment of her Savior ------ and it is enough.  She is "healed" the scriptures say.  Did her blood issue completely go away, or was she blessed with insight and courage to deal with the challenges it brings?  Whichever the case, the Savior was the only way and means of her healing process.  Interestingly enough, this same Savior who fed the multitude with a couple of fish and a couple loaves of bread.  The very same Savior who raised Lazarus from the dead.  That same Savior who made the blind to see and gave sound to the deaf.  The Savior could of have just blessed the woman and made her whole, could he not?  However, so pertinent is the fact that she REACHES with her own hand and touches only His garment, and is healed.  So, often times in our lives, we must "reach", we must take action ourselves, in order to receive the full blessings of the Savior in our lives.  We must "reach" for the scriptures daily.  We must "reach" out to Him in daily prayer.  We "reach" as we attend our meetings and we "reach" with each Family Home Evening and Family Prayer.  We "reach" as we courageously share our testimonies with others.  And, we "reach" as we use Sunday to rest from our labors and draw closer to Him------- that we might know Him, feel of His love, recognize His strength and power in our lives.  All so that when we have "issues" that require healing, we know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that if we "reach" out to Him, we too shall be healed.

As an abandoned and broken-hearted single mother, as the mother who gives away her young daughter away in marriage, and even as a recently remarried mother who attempts to blend 12 lives into one-------I have learned that I cannot survive any Family Change or challenge alone.  After my husband left after 20 years of marriage, to pursue an alternative lifestyle, my mind and heart seemed to spiral between hate and anger and the unfairness of "How could this happen to me?"  There were even fleeting moments of thoughts of revenge.  I would go to bed angry.  I would lay awake for hours and ponder my plight.  There in my bed, in the darkness, I would add up bills owed and the lack of dollars coming in, and fall asleep with feelings of fear and hate.  Then, I would wake up in the morning, realize is was not a bad dream, but my reality, and the negative cycle would start all over again.  After a few weeks of this, I realized two things.  The first was that none of these feelings were productive.  All of them were paralyzing!  One day, I heard a song called He Is-------the words and music filled me with love ---------- Love for my kids.  Love for myself.  Love even for he who had placed such a heavy burden on my back to bear, purposefully.  And, love for He who had paid the price for my bitterness, so that I did not need to be consumed by it.  And finally, this song filled me with love for the future and the thought that I could come out of this trial better rather than bitter-------if and only if I could find the courage, through this crowd of negativity and hurt,  to REACH for Him.  So, I knew then and there that music would be key in this refining process of enduring and learning.  I sought for music that lifted my heavy heart.  That testified of truth.  Music that inspired me to be a person that my children could look up to.  And, music that would dissolve such negative feelings before they even had time to grow.  I sought for music that would create a holy place out of our tragedy.  I sought for music that would fill my home and my heart with so much goodness-----that this all-consuming negativity would no longer take root in our lives.
Such music has inspired me to REACH for He and only He who could heal my broken heart and comfort my fear.  He and only He who could fill the emptiness that often times, accompanies Family Change.  And, I have recently learned, that He and only He, as we REACH and make the Savior a part of our lives, can and will help us blend our family of 12 into a unified family of courageous and stripling warriors.   None of these roles can I accomplish alone.  I need Him!  I need His love and peace!  I need His comfort.  I crave his guidance.  I know His promised light in any darkness is sure!!  I know He Is--------- and I will REACH!!!